Let the Sun Shine Through
by Potteress
Summary: Lily comes home after completing her last term at Hogwarts, dreading the prospect of living in the empty, transformed house of her childhood. Hardly one night passes, however, when she realizes she won't be as alone as she thought.
1. How to Smile

**A/N: A new fic! After almost three years of working solely on I Loved You More, I've now decided to post this little story I found buried in one of my notebooks. I hope you all like it...and don't forget to check back with the big one because I'm hoping to get the new chapter done soon! **

**And of course, REVIEW!**

**How to Smile**

Lily gripped the handle of her suitcase tightly with her sweaty hand as she stepped off the bus and onto the sidewalk. Glancing around the corner bus stop, she saw many faces staring expectantly at the door of the bus but none were familiar to Lily. They looked past her, reaching out their arms to the stream friends and relatives that emerged onto the sidewalk. They shrieked with excitement and laughed as they embraced each other.

The joyful scene deepened the hole inside Lily. She sucked in a short breath, feeling hollow. Her strength seemed to flee from her when she stared down the road, anticipating the long walk ahead of her.

She moved the suitcase from one hand to the other and began to walk along the street. Cars whizzed by and people passed, talking intently with each other. They were all too busy to notice the lone girl.

Lily was tall, with deep red hair and eyes so vividly green, they always drew attention from anyone who looked into her face. With such features, she usually stood out among crowds but the gap that currently resided in her seemed to cast a shadow over her outward appearance. She felt small and young and lost.

It was unusually dark for an early evening in June. Thick, billowing clouds bloomed across the sky threateningly. Lily normally loved rain but now she suddenly had a deep, unexplainable fear of it. She prayed desperately for the endless grey to disperse and let the sun to shine through. If only she could see that beautiful bright star lighting up her path. The sky showed no signs of granting her wish, however, and she quickened her pace, wanting to hide away from the danger of the rain as quickly as possible.

Her feet took her off the busy street and onto an old, dirt road bordered by masses of trees and shrubbery. The road was so familiar, it ached. She imagined changing directions and going where she would not recognize anything around her…Where nothing hurled piles of memories into her heart like spears.

The road curved sharply and broke out of its woodsy surroundings. It swerved along the top of a long, winding wall of dunes that merged into a wide beach. The ocean was grey and wild. It smashed into the slimy rocks and exploded into little jewels of water. Lily breathed in the beloved salty scent and listened to the storm of splashes. She felt broken all over again, yet somehow healed at the same time.

Suddenly, a daringly strong, whipping wind started up. It thrashed her skin and clothes and ripped her hair from its tightly-wound elastic. The glossy mass flapped around her face. She closed her eyes gently but her soul seemed to awaken by the gush of wind. It softened to a breeze, tenderly caressing her face.

Lily continued to walk, slower than before. She stepped off the road and onto the soft sand. She slipped off her shoes and carried them as she made her way along the top of the dunes. In the hazy distance, the water was grey and raging. She walked and watched the rippling foam creep up the beach then retract back into the ocean.

Glancing up at the sky and seeing its amplified darkness, she shivered. She hurried around the final curve of the shore and her destination came into view. It was a small blue cottage, with a pointed triangular roof and a large porch set into the dunes. Lily stared at it apprehensively as she approached. Her throat tightened sharply. She had been yearning for this house for months yet now that it was in front of her, she feared the moment in which she would have to enter it.

Finally, she was standing on its doorstep, having dazedly stridden up the long drive that led up to it. With shaking hands, Lily fumbled through the pockets of her jackets until she clasped her fingers around a cold metal object. She held up the rusty key in front of her face before hastily shoving it into the hole in the doorknob.

Inside, the little house was so much darker than Lily remembered. In her dreams, it had been bright and merry, filled with joyous people, simply happy to be together, as it had always been—and should have been presently. There should have been a small gathering of people waiting for her with countless hugs and kisses and a bombardon of questions. There would be music and light and the delicious smells of home cooking. Lily looked around the dark kitchen as though expecting them all to jump out from behind the counter yelling, "Welcome home!" Then they would all burst into simultaneous laughter, blending together like the family they were…or had been.

But Lily was alone. No one was there to greet her.

She dropped the key on the table and set down her suitcase. Then she ambled into the living room and collapsed onto the couch. Exhaustion, lonesomeness, and anguish filled her as tears filled her eyes. She cried wrenchingly, sobbing and gasping. She didn't stop until at last, she fell into a sound sleep.

Lily dreamt that she was cuddled in someone's arms.

When she opened her eyes, she thought she was still dreaming. Sunlight was leaking through the cracks of the shades, shooting stripes of light across Lily's face. Distantly, she heard a sizzling sound and a soft whistle that danced its way through her ears and into her starving heart. Closing her eyes, she concentrated hard on the sounds so that she might hold on to this wonderful dream for little while longer.

The whistling grew louder. It was a cheerful tune, full of energy and warmth. It reminded her of someone, some faraway place in some faraway time when she had been happy.

Lily wanted to listen to the whistling forever but it drifted into silence and the sound of footsteps took its place. She strained her ears to hear where they might be going or what they could be doing but the noise had suddenly stopped. Now all was silent once again. Lily was surprised when the warm feeling in her soul wasn't replaced by the aged, dark one that had occupied it for the past few months.

For some reason she didn't feel lonely anymore. She thought it might be nice to get up and go for a walk in the sunshine, maybe take a dip in the ocean.

When she slid open her eyes, they immediately met a pair of hazel ones. Lily quickly blinked and took in the face of the man that was mere inches from hers. His bespectacled eyes and lips were smiling softly. His skin was smooth and pale, with a deep, comical indent in his left cheek. His head was tilted slightly to one side as he gazed into her face, and his jet black hair shot out in every direction.

She knew this face.

"Hello," he whispered gently.

Lily stared back at him. "Hello," she replied hoarsely, "James." The name tasted sweet in her mouth. "You were whistling?"

"I was," he said simply, his smile spreading into a grin. "Was it bothering you?"

She smiled and shook her head. The shake seemed to fully awaken her brain. "What are you doing here?"

"Waking you up."

"Really?" said Lily. "Now that you've succeeded in doing that, what are you going to do?"

"Get you off this couch."

"No, you're not going to be able to do that." Lily yawned and gripped the throw pillow she was snuggled against.

"You underestimate me." He leaned his elbow on the edge of the couch and perched his chin in his hand so that his face was even closer to hers. "Breakfast is waiting for you…and it's not going to wait much longer."

"I'm not hungry."

"Inconceivable," scoffed James. "You haven't eaten a decent meal in days."

"How do you know?" asked Lily, frowning.

"I know," he said complacently. He stood up to his full height. "I made bacon."

He was very tall and lean. Lily sat up and saw that his tall, lean body was covered in nothing but an undershirt and boxers.

"Wha—?" she began, now fully alert. "When did you get here?"

"Yesterday," he said nonchalantly, holding out his large hand to her.

"Yesterday?" she repeated, staring blankly at his hand. When she didn't take it, he shrugged and bent down over her. "Don't you dare…" said Lily as she realized what he was about to do. He simply chuckled and lifted her off the couch and into his arms. Lily shrieked, then laughed, throwing her head back. His arms felt familiar, somehow fitting, and as she felt the muscles of his arms and chest tighten against her, she felt safe. The laughter bubbling up in her throat was the first to come in such a long time.

James carried her into the kitchen and set her into a chair at the round table that was elegantly set for two. Mouth-watering aromas wandered into Lily's nose and a powerful feeling of hunger suddenly overtook her.

"Mmm…" she murmured heartily. She noticed a vase full of wildflowers perched at the center of the table as he let her down into a chair.

"Not hungry, eh?" said James smugly.

Lily looked at him. He had moved to the counter, and was buttering some toast. She felt indescribably radiant as she watched him, though she knew she must be a mess. He placed the toast on two plates and, sliding the plates onto his hands, he carried them to the table, whistling once again. He put one of the steaming plates of bacon and eggs in front of Lily before seating himself across the table with the other one. She shook some salt over the meal, and slowly, cut into the egg with her fork and put it in her mouth. It was true—she had eaten close to nothing for that past several days and it felt better than she would have imagined.

James smiled with satisfaction and began to eat his own breakfast. They ate in silence for a while, enjoying the food and not bothering to force a conversation.

"So…why exactly are you here?" asked Lily finally.

James smiled faintly and took a sip from the fat glass of orange juice. "I heard you were going home alone for the summer and figured you might need some company."

Lily cocked an eyebrow at him. "How did you get in while I was sleeping?"

"Do you really think a locked door has ever stopped me before?" returned James, giving her a look of great indignance.

Lily laughed and shook her head.

"How long are you going to stay?" she queried after a brief pause.

"How long do you want me to stay?"

Lily looked down at the crumpled napkin in her lap and shrugged casually. "Doesn't matter to me. I don't really need the company…But if you want to stay…"

"Good," James broke in matter-of-factly. "Because I don't have any plans of leaving quite yet."

"Really?" said Lily, looking closely at him. "So you're saying you came here simply on the assumption that I would welcome you?"

"Precisely," replied James.

As she finished the last of her meal, Lily leaned back and brought her legs up onto the chair so that they were folded against her chest. "Not a bad breakfast, James. By the way, where did you sleep last night?"

"Out on the porch," answered James, brightly standing up. "You know what? The water is just screaming my name right now. Let's go take a dip."

"No, thanks. It's probably freezing."

"Well, come on outside anyway. It's too nice to stay inside and what if I drown?" asked James, looking at her pleadingly.

Lily sighed. "I suppose I mustn't let you drown."

"That's right. Go on."

Lily went out onto the porch and curled up on a lounge chair. A few minutes later, James came out of the house in his bathing suit and bounded down to the water. He collided with a particularly large wave as it rolled toward the shore and then he dove underneath the untamed surface.

Lily wanted to join him but she had a dark, foreboding feeling that she would get lost in the big crashing waves. The ocean was so free and so alive: it was an antonym to everything in her heart. It would surely swallow her—a cold, withering piece of a broken life—in a matter of seconds.

James jumped up with a growing wave and lifted his arms into the air, beckoning to her. He fit right in with the ocean.

Lily smiled and hugged her legs. He had come and made her smile—even laugh a little. It was more than she had done in what seemed like ages. It had seemed so long she had wondered if she ever had the will again, whether or not she would remember how ease her face into a smile.

But she had done it…and it made her wonder what else she would remember.


	2. Mashed Potatoes

**Chapter Two**

**Mashed Potatoes**

Lily let her head fall lazily against the back of the lounge chair. It was too heavy to hold up. Her eyes followed James's thin body hopping in and out of the waves. He looked like he was truly enjoying himself.

She sighed, closing her eyes and inhaling the cool salty breeze. She used to know every curve, every muscle, every flaw of that body. She missed it…its warmth, its soft, smooth skin, the way it smelled like a windy spring morning. How it fit so nicely to her side. She missed running her hands through that dark, wild hair, snuggling into the crook of his arm, watching the muscles of his shoulders as he walked, and the feeling she got when his mouth spread into a grin. She missed it all so much it hurt just watching him splash and move in the water.

She missed it but she did not want it. Not now. Maybe someday she would, but if he had stopped waiting by then, eventually she would stop aching for it, right?

Lily listened to the soft sounds of the waves crushing the shore, the wind whipping the house…the sand…her hair…with a low, sweet hum, the screeching of the gulls as they skimmed the rocky surface of the sea, searching for food.

It was growing softer. She was drifting away from it all….

She was standing in the midst of a large group of people, all her own age. Something was funny and she was laughing, but no sound came out of her mouth. Everyone was talking, laughing, and singing. They were moving their mouths but every noise they made was silent. They were all dancing to silent music. Lily somehow knew a good song was playing.

Someone tall and broad, with long black hair was holding her hand up high and spinning her around. His face was blurred but Lily knew it was Sirius. They always loved to try to dance all fancy and skillfully. And they were always horrible. He suddenly let her fall into a low dip and then yanked her up sharply with a tug of his arm. He put a little too much force into it, however, and she was flung out of his grasp.

But she fell right into another pair of arms. Lily knew them well. They were James's, though his face was also indistinct when she turned around. She was locked in his embrace as he said something to Sirius, shouting over the music and laughter. Lily's face was buried just below his chin but she could feel him grinning.

That wonderful, wonderful, _beautiful_ grin.

Lily reckoned they should go home. They wove through their friends, waving and smiling as they said their goodbyes. Lily felt weightless, as if she was gliding through the room attached to James. They had had a good time and they were happy.

The stars were out and it was oddly warm for December. The next second, they were in the living room of the house by the sea. Lily and James talked loudly and quickly, still wound up and full of energy, but it was then that things began to slow down. They were still chatting when they strolled into the dining room, moving slower and slower….

Lily saw her mother first. She was still sitting at the table, only she was not really sitting. She was just there, no longer doing anything. Just an inanimate object in a chair. Then somehow, her brain managed to direct her eyes down to the floor where her father was sprawled.

Very slowly, Lily fell, tipping gradually over. She never hit the floor, she just kept on falling and falling until finally, she was lost in thick, black darkness, where there was nothing to think about.

There was a ragged, scuffling sound, and Lily opened her eyes. James was settling into the chair next to hers, his feet coated with sand and his hair matted with seawater. It sprayed out in all directions. His bare chest was pulsing up and down, as though he had sprinted up the beach from the water.

It took Lily a second to remember that she could not touch him anymore.

"You fall asleep?" he asked, squinting at her.

"Yeah, I suppose I did." Lily stretched and shifted in her chair. "Did you have a nice swim?"

"Oh, yeah, you should have come out with me, Lil. It was terrific. The waves were unbelievable."

"The water wasn't too cold?"

"Nah, it was perfect." James sighed as he straightened out his legs and folded his arms behind his head. "Blimey, I would have died to grow up here. I don't know how you could have left it to go to Hogwarts."

Lily shrugged. She pulled her feet up on her chair and hugged her knees. The feeling of that memory lingered in her head. It always took awhile for it to leave her when she had that dream.

"You alright?"

"Yeah. I'm fine, why?" replied Lily stoically.

"I don't know. You seem like you're far away or something," said James.

"I'm right here."

James leaned close and stared at her for a moment. Lily tried to make herself meet his gaze but she dropped it after a second and cast her eyes downward. James didn't move and Lily picked nervously at a toenail. Then he tossed himself back against the chair and stood up, as though he had received a shock of energy.

"I'm famished so I'm gonna make some lunch. What do you want?" he asked.

"Nothing for me, thanks."

James put his hands on his hips. "That's not an option," he said, after a pause.

Lily glared up at his stern face. "What are you, my father?"

It was a casual reference but it shifted the atmosphere. She had no father. There was an awkward pause during which neither of them spoke. Then James crouched down in front of Lily's chair. He put his hands on her feet and smiled up at her.

"What do you want for lunch?" he asked again.

"I'm not hungry. You made me a huge breakfast."

"You have to eat, Lil."

"Do I?"

"I'm serious."

"James Potter? Serious?" Lily furrowed her brow in mock confusion.

James grinned. "You're mixing me up with Sirius Black."

"Oh right. Him."

"Yes. That bloke who has _seriously_ failed to live up to his name."

"He still has time."

"What do you want to eat?" James had always been persistent. It was the reason she had become so close to him in the first place.

But Lily was stubborn. The combination had been one of the greatest strengths of their relationships and at the same time, the greatest downfall. "I don't think there's any food in the kitchen."

"Are you kidding?" snorted James. "I brought loads of food."

"James, I don't know why you came here, but I don't need you to take care of me." Lily felt the muscles in her face tighten.

"Well, pardon me, but I disagree," retorted James, without hesitation.

Lily glared at him. She hated how used to her he had become.

"Come on, Lil." There was more of a plea in his voice now. "Anything you want, I'll make it for you. You just have to eat _something_."

Lily considered. Perhaps she had become easier to persuade or perhaps it was that James was so well-practiced at it. Or maybe, it was being so close to his face again that softened her. "Anything I want?"

"Anything," repeated James, giving his head a little shake.

"Okay…." She took her time deciding. She did not feel hungry for anything. Her body was not used to the amount of food James had made for breakfast and it was slow to digest it. But there was something she could eat anytime, whether she was hungry or not. "How about some mashed potatoes?"

James grinned. Her heart ached at how genuinely happy he looked. "Right away."

He jumped to his feet and hurried inside. Lily heard him whistling over the clatter of pots and pans and the rushing of water in the sink. Less than twenty minutes later, he emerged from the sliding glass doors carrying two plates piled high with steaming mashed potatoes.

"_Voila_," he said, placing one of the plates on the table before her with a flourish.

He brought out a pitcher of lemonade and two tall glasses and sat down across from Lily. Feeling his wary eyes on her, Lily scooped some of the potatoes onto her fork and slipped it into mouth, ignoring the broccoli and biscuit James had slipped onto the plate.

The food were perfect; warm, salty, with just enough butter. With pleasure, Lily let it slide down her throat and loaded up her fork again. When she looked up, James was watching her closely, wearing a pleased expression.

"What's the verdict?" he asked.

"Delicious," smiled Lily. "I didn't know you were a chef."

"You don't know everything about me," replied James, taking a bite of his own lunch.

"When did you learn to cook?"

"My mum taught me throughout my entire childhood. She said she didn't want my wife to have to cook every night for there to be a decent meal on the table like she had to with my dad," James explained with a chuckle. "His culinary skills extend as far as making toast."

Lily laughed. "My mum did most of the cooking too. Daddy made better pancakes and spaghetti sauce, though. Mum tried to teach me a few times, but it was a mess. I do it better with magic."

They continued to chat through the afternoon until the sun dipped into the ocean, splashing hues of orange and pink across the sky. Then the wind grew chilly and great grey clouds rolled in. They moved inside to lounge around the kitchen table, listening to the rain and the ocean battle outside and the roar of thunder shaking the earth. They ate more mashed potatoes for dinner, washing them down with red wine.

The storm was still raging when they wandered into the hall upstairs in the early hours of the morning.

Lily opened the door of her sister's bedroom, where hot pink blasted off the walls and flowery furniture sat under a thin layer of dust. "You can sleep in here if you want. I know it's probably not your preferred style of décor but the bed's more comfortable than the couch."

"What are you talking about? I love pink," scoffed James, as he squeezed past her through the doorway, gripping a small suitcase.

"Well, you know where everything is. Help yourself to whatever you need in the bathroom," said Lily through a yawn.

James nodded. "I'm all set. Are you gonna make it to your own room? You look about ready to pass out right here." His voice was hoarse and soft, like it always did when he drank.

Lily shot him a look halfway between a glare and a smile. "I am. But I think I'll make it somehow. The prospect of spending the night on the floor is not very appealing."

"Okay then."

They both glanced down. Lily would have left at that moment but she did not find the prospect of spending the night alone in her childhood bedroom very appealing either. Everything in that room reminded her of them. Thousands of memories were living inside of it. She knew once she stepped inside, they would charge at her, ripping her apart.

Lily felt James's hand on her arm. The contact blew a warm breeze through her body. She looked up and felt his eyes all around her.

"Goodnight, Lil."

He leaned forward. Lily's hand was itching to reach up and touch his face but she kept it at her side. She pressed it firmly to her thigh and kept her eyes wide open but she could not stop herself from holding her breath.

James bent his head and gently rested his cheek against hers. His skin was warm and smooth. Lily's eyelids fell together. Her thoughts were growing hazy, like his breath she in her ear. He dropped a kiss on her cheek and then turned and headed toward the bed. It was so quick, Lily was thrown by the feeling that she had been stabbed. She felt drained and ragged.

"Goodnight," she whispered.


	3. Starless Night

_Hey, everyone! It's been such a long time (sorry!) that I'm going to do a quick recap of chapter 2, in case you don't feel like going back to freshen your memory. I've had some inspiration for this story so you can expect yet ANOTHER chapter very soon._

**ENDING OF CHAPTER 2**

**Lily felt James's hand on her arm. The contact blew a warm breeze through her body. She looked up and felt his eyes all around her.**

"Goodnight, Lil."

He leaned forward. Lily's hand was itching to reach up and touch his face but she kept it at her side. She pressed it firmly to her thigh and kept her eyes wide open but she could not stop herself from holding her breath.

James bent his head and gently rested his cheek against hers. His skin was warm and smooth. Lily's eyelids fell together. Her thoughts were growing hazy, like his breath she in her ear. He dropped a kiss on her cheek and then turned and headed toward the bed. It was so quick, Lily was thrown by the feeling that she had been stabbed. She felt drained and ragged.

"Goodnight," she whispered.

_Now onto the Chapter 3!_

**Chapter Three**

**Starless Night**

Lily closed Petunia's door behind her and stepped across the hall. She stood in front of her old bedroom door for a moment, trying to imagine that it was the same little room she used to love. The one in which she had spent an entire summer laying sea green paint over the pale blue her mother had picked out before Lily was born. She pictured the room where her father used to make her feel like the most amazing girl in the world for growing half an inch as he marked her height on the closet doorway. She envisioned the light, airy curtains embroidered with tiny lilies and the matching bedspread that she had curled up in for hours on end, thinking, reading, dreaming, sleeping, crying….Her mother had sat on the bedspread through much of it, rubbing her back or just listening. Lily tried to see the pink braided rug her grandmother had made upon which she had danced and dressed and sat playing dolls.

This room—it was the place where she had laughed and lived during the time when she had dashed through life with a sharp tongue and eyes full of hope. Lily grasped the doorknob, pretending that she was entering the peace and comfort of her childhood setting and not the place that she had lain in helplessly while she was abandoned by herself.

She opened the door and the bright images died in the thick darkness that met her eyes. The curtains and the bedspread and the rug were still there, same as always, but all the life they had been filled with was gone. It had escaped somehow—seeped out through the walls, between the floorboards, or through cracks in the ceiling. In its absence, shadows had grown, like mold over everything, infesting every corner of the room.

Lily treaded numbly across the floor, the feeling the braids of the pink rug under her bare feet, and slipped onto the bed. She was very cold: the darkness seemed to be invading her insides. But she did not get under the covers. Instead, she lay stiffly across the embroidered lilies, gazing at the soft grey glow misting from the window. The fog pressing against the glass seemed to smother her. She was not able to stop her mind from traveling to the last time she had spent time in this room, after the murder of her parents. Memories filled her, suffocating like the fog.

Lily screamed and screamed. The wrenching sound ripping out of her lungs never seemed to reach her ears. She never felt James's arms clamp around her, just before the ground crashed into her knees. He sank slowly to the floor, Lily crumpled in his lap. The screams turned into fast, heaving gasps that jerked her body violently.

She wanted to look away, but she couldn't. Her vision was hazy but the images of her mother and father's wide empty stares were too sharp to bear. She didn't blink. Her eyes became dry and began to water. James closed his hand over them and turned her head to the side.

"Breathe. Just breathe, Lily."

His voice was so far away, she could barely hear it. Her neck seemed to have withered, leaving her head to loll to the side. Beads of darkness crept across her eyes.

The darkness stayed with Lily for a long time. It clouded over her brain and shielded her eyes. She felt as though she was soaring though a starless night, lost and alone. Sometimes, it faded out slightly and she felt someone spooning mush into her mouth or wiping her face with a towel. Sometimes she knew she was in bed, wrapped in a pair of arms and the familiar voices reached her ears, making strange, senseless sounds. Most of the time, however, Lily knew nothing but millions of wide, staring eyes, contained inside an empty house.

Lily's ears tuned in and out to soft, fuzzy voices like a radio. She heard them but they made no sense to her.

"How is she?"

"Still out."

"Damn it, James. Why did this have to happen to her?"

She drifted back into silence. Then she was vaguely aware of some commotion.

"Get the hell away from here!" someone was bellowing.

"Mr. Black, be reasonable. We have to ask her some questions. The investigation—"

"Don't tell me to reasonable, you bastard! She's _unconscious_!"

"We can revive her."

"You're not bothering her for some bloody paper!" snapped a calmer, closer voice. "Sirius, get them off the property before I get out my wand and hurt someone."

"Aye, aye." There was some movement and sounds of protests. Then a loud bang fired off like a gunshot, followed by screams and rushing footsteps.

"Lucky I didn't kill them, the fucking idiots."

Again, Lily became engulfed in silence.

When she finally did wake up, she heard some soft, creaking noises. It took her awhile to realize she was not drifting high in the air but in her very own room. She opened her eyes and after a moment, saw that she was not alone. Someone was slouched over in the rocking chair, tilting back and forth very slowly. The darkness covered him too. He was long and thin, so she guessed it was her dad. He loved that rocking chair.

Lily didn't move or think. She had a feeling it would hurt very much to try. So she just lay there, listening to the steady creaks of the rocking chair.

Then the door opened and hazy golden light trickled into the room. It washed over James, who Lily saw actually sat in the rocking chair, and lit up his colorless face.

Lily thought. Slowly, it came to her. Slowly and painfully. _Oh yeah, Dad's not here anymore._

"Prongs, mate, come on and eat something," whispered the deep voice of Sirius Black. It sounded different, though, much heavier.

James did not look up or speak. He just rocked the chair.

"Come off it, mate. She's going to be fine."

"I'm not hungry," murmured James. His voice was frail and wobbly.

"James."

"I'm not hungry."

There was a heavy sigh from the door before it closed.

James's rocking did not pause. Lily listened. He rocked. She did not know what was going on. The words the boys had exchanged sailed into her ears and hovered for a moment before jumbling all together till they made no sense. She was too tired to even try to put them back together.

So she just listened and the rocking chair creaked until she faded away again.

The next time Lily awoke, daylight had come. When she opened her eyes, they were immediately pummeled by a blast of sunlight. _Too bright_. She could hear commotion below her. After a moment the light seemed to dim a little and she made out James in the rocking chair. He wasn't rocking anymore. He was watching her. It took him a little while to realize she was watching him too, as though he thought he was surely imagining it. His eyes came alive.

He stood up and sat close to her on the bed. "Hi."

Lily sunk deeper into her pillow. He was looking at her so closely. James always looked at her closely. She used to like the feeling of his watchful gaze and sometimes she would stare right back at him, unabashed, proud of what he would see if he looked hard enough. Now she could not bring herself to peer into those hazel eyes. She was just a pile of broken pieces and she couldn't let him see. Sweep them under the carpet, anything to hide the mess, so long as he couldn't see how delicate she had turned out to be.

The door opened and Sirius poked his head in.

"James, the Ministry officials are back. They want—" he began, then his eyes swept over Lily. "Hey, Evans, you're back. How are you feeling?"

Lily slowly pushed herself up to a sitting position. How was she supposed to answer that question? She was feeling nothing, really. But that didn't sound right. She was feeling a million different things. But that didn't sound right, either.

"I'm fine," she said softly, trying to believe it.

James laid a hand on her forehead as though checking for a fever. Lily looked down at her lap.

"We missed you," said Sirius, stepping into the room. "You've been out for three days now."

_Three days? It felt like months…years, even. Three days! It felt like hours._

James's hand glided down her cheek and tucked some hair behind her ear. He was still watching her very closely.

"Well, Ev, what would you like? Mrs. Potter's here and she's cooked up all the food in the U.K. so anything you want, we can get it for you."

"Oh, I'll just get some water." Lily glanced at James uneasily before ducking the big hand that still rested on her face and started to slide her feet off the bed.

"But you must be ravenous," protested Sirius, looking disappointed.

"No, really, I couldn't eat anything yet—"

Lily was cut off by a scream from downstairs followed by pounding footsteps. The next second Petunia Evans barged in, thrusting Sirius aside.

"YOU KILLED THEM!" she screeched, marching to Lily's bedside and shoving a trembling finger in her face. "_You killed them, you little freak!_"

Her face was bright red with pure rage and her normally perfectly made hair and clothes were in disarray. Lily felt herself recoil.

"Hey, that's not right! Back off, lady!" cried Sirius, recovering from his surprise. He grabbed Petunia's arms and tried to pull her back.

"Let go of me! LET GO!" Petunia went wild. She wrenched around in Sirius's grasp and finally pulled free with a mighty yank of her arms. Wasting no time, she bore back down on Lily, who stared up at her speechlessly. "_I_ _can't believe you! _Your own_ parents!_"

"You're out of your mind! Lily had nothing to do with it!" barked James. He had leapt off the bed in his anger. "How dare you blame her!"

But Petunia did not seem to hear him. She lowered her voice to a venomous hiss. "You didn't care. You didn't care one bit. You just had to go off to that _school_. You just had to do your _magic_. You had to become one of _them_. I knew it was no good. I _knew_. But they wouldn't listen to me. And look what happened!" She spread out her arms triumphantly, a cold smile on her bony face. "Mum and dad—killed because of them. Because of _you_."

"No." James strode around the bed. His eyes were wide and grave when he glanced at Lily. "No—Lily…no. You're getting out of here. You're sick."

James grabbed hold of Petunia's arm and tried to force her toward the door. Sirius took her other arm. Petunia didn't move, but remained firmly planted in front of the bed, giving Lily a long, chilling glare. As James and Sirius yanked her away, she spat right in Lily's face.

"That's what you are, Lily! You—deserve—to—die!" Petunia screamed just before James and Sirius dragged her out the door. James kicked the door shut with a yell of fury. Lily sat motionless and stared at it, listening to the struggle.

"SHUT UP!" roared James.

Lily heard Petunia sobbing for her parents all the way down the stairs.


	4. Remembering

Chapter Four

Remembering

The sound reverberated in Lily's head as she remembered the last time her sister had spoken to her. She turned onto her side, turning her back to the window.

_Don't think about it. Just don't think about it._

Saying this to herself usually helped her through the times when she felt on the verge of losing it….Or, she imagined that it helped. It was really just the fact that she could focus on whispering the words instead of missing her old life. It didn't matter to her what the words were as long as they didn't remind her of her parents or her sister or her old self, or even James. The aching was always there, the yearning for the past; she had to constantly, relentlessly work at not paying attention to it.

Lily never felt like she was living now; she just went through the motions. Even that took every effort she had. _Get up. Shower. Eat, _she had to tell herself several times in the morning as she lay in bed. Finally she would do it because it was what was supposed to be done but for all the meaning it held, she may as well have stayed in bed. The same went for talking to people, even her closest friends. _Hello. Yes, and you? Smile. Nod. _The night was spent trying not to think and in the morning it started all over again.

What was the point? There was none, but there was nothing in the alternative, either. Do what people expect and they won't ask questions. Fool them with the fake plastic exterior and they won't miss what it had replaced.

Lily missed it—the real thing—but she was afraid of what she would discover if she tried to fix it. What if it could never be rebuilt again? What if it had been neglected too long and was lost forever? What if it had never been that great after all?

_Don't think about it. Just don't think about it._

But something had changed. Tonight something was different and whispering a chant was not going to be a sufficient distraction. Coming home, seeing James, feeling the wind, hearing the storm, talking to James, being in her old room…Thoughts were raining down on her, as though they had broken through a dam in her mind.

_Don't think about it._

She stared at the window and saw herself running along the sand, shrieking with laughter as she drove a cluster of seagulls flapping into the sky. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't find that girl.

_Just don't think about it._

Lily slammed her eyelids shut and the image of herself and Petunia as kids, bouncing on her bed, singing "She Loves You" at the top of their lungs flew into her head. Now Petunia wouldn't speak to her because she thought it was Lily's fault they no longer had parents.

_Don't think about it._

She was squirming helplessly on the floor while her father tickled her.

Lily flipped onto her back, trying to ignore the aching pangs in her chest.

Her mother was exclaiming with delight at the plain white seashell Lily, six years old and beaming with pride, had found.

Her father's deep voice flowed through her ears as she curled up in his lap in the rocking chair, listening to him read.

_Don't think about._

James was laughing.

_Don't think about it!_ Lily's chant started to grow louder.

She was wrapped in his arms as they danced.

_Don't…think_… She was getting more and more desperate.

She could feel his lips on her neck.

Lily sprung to a sitting position. It wasn't working. She could not stop thinking, stop remembering. He had reminded her of what it felt like to feel alive again and it was too much. Reciting four words to herself was not going to suppress it any longer.

Not tonight.

She slipped off the bed and treaded straight to the door. She pulled it open and entered the hall, reaching for the knob of her sister's door. Quietly, she twisted it and stepped inside. Darkness pressed against her eyes but she knew James was somewhere in it and so it couldn't scare her.

Lily felt her way across the floor and stuck out her hands, groping for the bed. Creeping closer, she saw that the faint glow from the window vaguely lined James's sleeping form. She stood beside the bed, listening to him breathe before carefully lifting the corner of the covers and sliding in next to him. Propping her head on her hand, Lily reached for the mess of jet black hair nestled in the pillow and ran her fingers through it.

_Oh_.

Warmth spread through her body like fire as she gently combed through James's hair. How good it felt, to touch him again.

Suddenly his head lifted off the pillow and turned to face her. It was so dark she couldn't see his face.

"Lily." He spoke so softly she was not entirely sure he had said her name or if he had just sighed.

Keeping her hand buried in his hair, she slid closer to him, so that her body was pressed against his. She felt him stiffen.

He grunted, lifting his head off the pillow once more. "Lily…" This time, he said it louder and to her dismay, a note of exasperation was clear in his voice—something she had not expected at all.

But she pressed on. She didn't think she had ever needed anyone so badly before.

She bent her head close to his face and, estimating where his lips were, kissed him softly.

"Lily," he whispered again. "What are you doing?"

"Shhh," answered Lily, slipping her hands beneath his tee-shirt and kissing him again. His hand moved to her waist, holding her close as he kissed her back, deeply.

A series of tiny jolts made its way up her spine, stealing her breathIt was better than she remembered.Finally, _finally_, she was not thinking or missing anything.

Suddenly James groaned and broke away. "Stop."

"It's okay," she assured him quickly, laying a kiss on his chin, then another on his dimple, then another—

"No."

Lily's heart seemed to deflate as he ripped his head away from her and sat up, making sure they were no longer touching. It confused—and hurt her.

"I can't let you do this," he said, breathing heavily and not looking at her.

"Why not? I want to!" cried Lily, placing a hand on his chest. She couldn't help it.

"Because we both know you're not ready."

"I can be the judge of that, thank you," snapped Lily, trying to force anger in front of the tears that were constricting her throat.

"Obviously you can't," retorted James. "Lily, you can barely talk to me! You're not ready for this. You need to leave."

Lily sat up. She put both her hands on his chest and slowly moved close to him again.

"James, come off it. I'm a big girl. I can decide for myself," she said, moving closer.

James snatched her wrists and held them away from him.

"Please, James. I need this tonight. I need you." She could no longer keep the tears out of her voice.

James just stared at her stonily. "There it is. You have never needed me before, Lily. If you were yourself, you know, that in a heartbeat, I would let you do this but you're not. The Lily I know would _never _plead with me like this."

Lily's face burned with hot tears that were suddenly rushing down her face, dripping off her chin. She dropped her gaze.

"Now I think it would be a good idea if you went back to your room," said James quietly, releasing her wrists.

Lily lifted her head again, remembering that room where the darkness was so thick she was afraid she would melt into it until she disappeared completely.

"No. I can't go back in there. James, just let me stay here for the night. Nothing has to happen, I promise."

"No."

Lily stared at him, shocked, hurt, and humiliated. How could he do this to her?

"Please. I can't go back in there," she said again after a long silence.

"Yes, you can. And you know it. You may not want to, but you can."

She moved away from him slightly but gripped onto the sheets with a firm hold. _He really isn't going to let me stay._

"Okay." She put her feet on the floor and stood up. "Okay, I'm going back in there."

"Okay."

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Lily."

Lily left and this time, she did not pause outside her door but dashed inside. She was mortified and frankly, wanted nothing more than to bury herself in her bed and never come out. Flying across the room, she flung open the window, letting the breeze soothe her burning face. Then she collapsed onto the bed.

_I am such an idiot_, was all she could think as she smothered her face in her pillow. She spent the next half hour or so wallowing in variations of this thought. _Why am I so stupid? What was I thinking? I must have seemed so desperate. I'll never be able to face him. What a stupid ass I am._

Then something else occurred to her.

_He could have been nicer._

She flipped onto her back, taking a deep, indignant breath. Her bitter thoughts turned to him. _I mean, I've lost my whole family, of course I'm lonely. He could have at least been a little more sympathetic, rather than making me feel like such an idiot._

What the hell was he talking about anyway? _Asshole_.

A few hours later, Lily was in the kitchen making tea as the sun began to rise over the ocean. Although she had barely gotten twenty minutes of sleep during the night, she felt more awake, more refreshed, than she had in a long time. She drank her tea out on the porch, watching the golden waves roll toward the beach. Then she took a shower and dried her hair. She put on makeup, some jean shorts and a tank top. When James finally came downstairs, she was sitting on the porch steps, a book in one hand, an apple in the other. She didn't look up when she heard his footsteps on the porch or when he cleared his throat.

He hesitated. "Look, Lily, I'm sorry about last night."

"Don't apologize. You know you were right," she said, flipping a page.

"But I am sorry that I had to do that." He sat down next to her. "You understand, don't you?"

"Oh yeah, I understand. I was being an idiot." Lily finally looked up from her book. "What I don't understand is why you are here in the first place. To boss me around or just make me feel like a fool?"

"Lily, I never meant—" started James, looking alarmed.

"Or maybe you just came here to confuse me because I'm not feeling scattered enough as it is, what with coming home for the first time since my parents died and all. Because I thought I made it clear to you that I can't deal with this right now."

James took a deep breath and caught her gaze, holding it there with pained eyes. "Lily, I came because I know you haven't been yourself since your parents died and I wanted you to know you're not alone and that even though you feel separate from everyone, there are still people that care about you."

"What do you mean, not myself? Why do you keep saying that?" snapped Lily, fighting his eyes. "Who are you to come here, uninvited, and act like you know all about what I'm feeling?"

James bent his head and then lifted it again as though deciding how he wanted to answer.

"I mean that you, Lily, are not just some meek little girl. You put your opinion out there, whether or not other people like it. You stand up for yourself and whatever you think is right, you boss people around, and you put up a fight when it's necessary. You're a force to be reckoned with, not that person sitting in the corner hoping they're not being too much of a bother to anyone. You speak your mind. You do whatever you feel like, no matter how crazy it is. You yell and sing and laugh and you don't care who's watching because you're proud of yourself."

As Lily listened to James, a strong, bitter sadness nipped her in several places. She felt so far away from the girl he was describing.

"I know you and I still love you. That's why I came." James paused and tilted his head to the side, smiling vaguely. "You haven't been you for quite some time," he said softly. "But you know that, don't you?"

Lily turned to the sea and did not reply. She could feel his eyes watching for her reaction but he was right. She knew all too well.

"I wanted to see if I could help you…coax yourself out of that shell," continued James.

Finally Lily shook her head, clenching her eyes shut. "I don't think so. She's just not there anymore, James."

James laughed gently. "No, Lil. You're somewhere in there. You're much too strong to let this break you."

Lily remained silent, not believing.

"Just be patient. It'll come," said James, following her gaze out toward the water.

She looked at him, feeling an empty sort of amusement, like she was looking at a naively optimistic child. _He doesn't get it. I'm gone. The girl he loves is gone._

"Yeah, I'm sure you're right." With that, Lily stood up, a feeling of exhaustion and weakness rushed through her all over again. She went inside, leaving James on the porch steps, and fell asleep on the couch.

The funeral of Harold and Pauline Evans took place three days after their murder, a few hours after Lily woke up. Mrs. Potter arranged it all and everyone gathered at the little chapel in town. Lily sat between James and her Aunt Judy, staring at the minister and making herself cry at the appropriate moments. Emotions were just a show, a way to ward off questions. Daughters cry at their parents' funeral—they don't scream and pound the floor and physically hurt themselves for not being there to stop it all, like Lily really felt like doing. No, they put on a brave face underneath the welling tears—or they burst out sobbing and moaning halfway through the service like Petunia did from the other end of the pew.

All the guests, except for Petunia, who left right after the funeral without a word to Lily, came to the house afterward to sit around, eating Mrs. Potter's food and toasting the Evans. In a daze, Lily listened to each of their condolences and their "poor darlings" and politely refused their offers of help, assuring them she would be just fine. What she really wanted was for them to leave…leave her all alone like she deserved.

She was nodding to something some distant relative was saying when someone took her hand and pulled her off to the corner. Lily turned to James, fixing an disapproving look on her face.

"What are you doing? That was rude, James, they've come a long way to be here and I really should be over there talking—"

"That's nice of them but you've had enough. Why don't you go upstairs and lie down? I'll take over being the host," said James, bending his head over hers and taking her other hand.

Lily glanced down at his chest when she saw the calculating look of deep concern in his eyes.

"No, no. I'm fine. I should really stay down here." She broke away from his grasp and hastened back into the cluster of guests. He had been watching her closely all day…too closely. Lily knew he was not buying anything she was putting on and it scared her. She could not stand to be around him for too long or she might break down—and he might see that she was broken.

Later that night, when everyone had left, she was in the kitchen helping Mrs. Potter clean up.

"Lily, dear, stop it. I'm all set here. Go to bed," said Mrs. Potter firmly, as she snatched the plate Lily was washing.

"But you've done so much already," protested Lily. "I can't let you clean up this mess by yourself."

"You must be exhausted, dear. Go lie down, relax, have a glass of wine. You'll be going back to school next week so take advantage of the time you have now."

"I've been asleep for three days, Mrs. Potter!" cried Lily, attempting a smile. "I'm fine."

"I wasn't talking about physical exhaustion."

"I'm _fine_," Lily said again. Fine, fine, fine! Why didn't anyone seem to understand that word?

"Please. It would make me feel better if you went upstairs to get some rest."

Lily hung her head. "I'd much rather be keeping busy."

Mrs. Potter reached up and lifted her chin so that Lily looked right into her eyes…_James's eyes._ "Lily, the deeper you let yourself feel right now, the faster you will be able to move on. Don't be afraid of what you're feeling."

Lily shifted uncomfortably, recognizing defeat. "Okay, I'll go upstairs."

"Thank you. Goodnight, Lily."

"Goodnight." Lily swept away, avoiding eye contact with James as she passed the living room. She shut herself up in her room but not much relaxing got done that night.


	5. Ghosts

**_Excerpt from previous chapter:_**

**"Just be patient. It'll come," said James, following her gaze out toward the water. **

**She looked at him, feeling an empty sort of amusement, like she was looking at a naively optimistic child. He doesn't get it. I'm gone. The girl he loves is gone. **

**"Yeah, I'm sure you're right." With that, Lily stood up, a feeling of exhaustion and weakness rushed through her all over again.****  
**

**

* * *

**

**CHAPTER FIVE****  
****Ghosts**

It was one of those mornings when Lily felt sick again. They came every now and then since she had returned home. She would wake up, and, as though the nightmare had never happened, she would expect her mother to poke her head through the doorway and ask what she wanted for breakfast. Slowly, when the silence of the house, and of Lily's own head, pumped in her ears, it would come trickling back. Pumping, _They're dead, they're dead, they're dead._ It was like having to live through their deaths again and again….Every time, it made her vomit. 

Would she ever get used to it?

James knocked on the bathroom door. "Are you all right, Lil?"

Lily stood up and flushed the toilet. "Yeah," she tried to say but her voice was too weak to be heard over the whirl of the toilet.

"Lily?"

"Yeah."

"Can I get you anything?"

"No."

Lily was suddenly hit with the memory of James walking her to the hospital wing that one time she got sick at school. The nurse had to kick him out because he kept getting in her way as he fussed over Lily. That night, he came back that night underneath his Invisibility Cloak and crawled into her bed. He wrapped himself around her feverish body and made up stories for her to listen to as she fell asleep. She remembered feeling so sick and yet, so happy.

Lily could sense James just outside the bathroom, standing there. When she turned on the faucet to brush her teeth and wash her face, she heard him walk away.

Downstairs in the kitchen, Lily found James over the stove, stirring a steaming pot of soup. Lily pretended she didn't notice and walked out onto the porch. She held herself tightly against the morning air as she stared into the distance, looking upon such beauty and feeling so empty, so hollow. She felt as though nothing held her to the Earth, as though she could be swept into the wind and disappear into the salt air.

Her eyes closed. She imagined the ocean around her. The thick, numbing water, pressing into her eyes, lifting her hair, filling her ears, her nose…her lungs. Darkness and silence everywhere. What if it could end like that? Softly and peacefully, the welcome end to feeling of being ripped to shreds.

_What if?_

"What are you thinking about?"

James's voice reached her from far away—blurred and faint, penetrating the surface like an arm pulling her from below; from where she did not want to be saved.

Lily opened her eyes and looked at him without turning her head away from the water. She suddenly became aware of the sand between her toes: She had walked off the porch to the edge of the water without realizing it.

"I don't know."

"Yes, you do," said James. But he didn't press her any further. Maybe he knew, maybe he had guessed. Maybe he figured thoughts were silent because they were that only thing that was truly yours to protect.

Lily looked back toward the sea, so close now that the mist dusted her face and caught on her hair. She tried to feel what she should have been feeling; uplifted, happy, hopeful. What she would have been feeling…before all the things she had to live for broke to pieces in front of her. She tried to feel those things and failed. Failed again at overcoming it, at being better, stronger, at making herself proud.

Lily's eyes fell. Her shoulders dropped.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" said James.

Lily could sense his eyes skirting along the horizon, a smile tugging at his lips. She could see his hand, so close to hers, yet itching with energy and action, unlike hers, limp and curled away from the chill. His whole body radiated with strength and passion, just because of the sunrise. He was alive with everything ahead of him. She felt like deadweight next to him, sinking into the sand, or training wheels he didn't want to part with, even though he rode better without them. She was a hindrance, a lifeless drain, trying to keep up—desperately—but slowing things down—selfishly.

Lily waited until dinner. All day, she could have done it but she waited, just to have one more day with him, soaking him up for the loneliness ahead. That's all she did, despite his invitations to go for a walk, to swim, to play Frisbee. She kept her distance and her eyes on him.

He had been out on her father's sailboat when he came in to make dinner. He entered the kitchen, his face rosy from the sun, his hair tangled from the wind, and breezy, happy, sea airiness about him. He was probably worn out from being in the sun all day and Lily was glad she had thought to pack some food for the trip.

James looked at her and a question immediately appeared on his face. He knew something was wrong, that something had changed. Lily stared up at him from the kitchen table, gazing into his face. The face that she loved, that she dreamt about, that she wanted to cup in her hands and smooth out the worry lines. The face that she had once hoped her children would have.

Lily took a deep breath, softly so that he could not hear, and opened her mouth.

"James, I think it's time for you to leave."

James took a step closer, his shoulders dropping slightly. "Leave?" he said. "Why?"

Why?

_Because I can't keep you here to myself. Because I love you so much and I don't want you to become like me. I don't want you to watch me fail every time I try to feel. Because I'm not strong enough to hold you. _

"Because we're not together anymore, James. We need to stop whatever this is and just move on," said Lily.

James looked at her. Lily tried very hard to read his expression. He looked defeated, and a little angry, a little understanding, a little sad. His face could say a million things at once.

His face. Lily looked away, tapping her finger against the table. When would this moment end?

James heaved a sigh. "Okay, Lily. If this is really what you want, there's nothing I can do. I'm not going to beg like last time." He made an attempt at a chuckle. "I know we're not together but I just thought you might need…"

"What I need is space," said Lily, so harshly, her words were like ice chips digging into his wonderful intentions.

He nodded, slowly, without removing his eyes from her face. She could feel his stare on her head when she looked down and her cheek when she looked to the side. It left a blistering mark where he had burnt right through her.

Lily jumped out of her seat. She could not wait any longer for him to leave and she knew she would not be able to watch when he did. "I packed some food for you. It's in the fridge," she said, as she dashed up the stairs.

Lily was leaving another class on another day. She pressed her books to her chest as she let her friends lead her to her next destination. Students milled all around her, their voices loud. Not loud enough. The noise could not reach her; it hit a wall, some invisible barrier between Lily and the world. Who knew how it got there or how long it would stay, but Lily…Lily wasn't sure if she wanted it to go.

Something touched her fingers, then grasped her hand. A voice whispered in her ear and, close as it was, she had to force herself to understand what it asked.

"How are you?"

He kissed her, right near the ear. That used to tickle, used to make her laugh. But all she could do was close her fingers around his hand and give an acceptable answer. "Fine."

"I missed you at breakfast."

"I slept in."

He rubbed her back, knowing otherwise. He knew too much. He was too close. She would have to do it soon.

"You must be starving. Let's go get lunch. How was Ancient Runes? Did you—HEY!"

Lily looked up at him. James was shouting at a boy a few feet behind them, who turned, surprised at the fury in James's voice.

"Apologize, you little git!" yelled James, reaching for his wand.

"What—?"

"James, what's the matter?" asked Lily, actually bewildered.

James looked at her. "He just rammed into you! Didn't you notice?"

Lily frowned and put her hand to her forehead. "What? No."

"I'm really sorry!" squealed the boy. "I was in hurry!"

"Just get out of here!" snapped James, but his voice had lost all its anger.

He took Lily's hand and squeezed it.

"When are you going to wake up?" he muttered softly.

The house was quiet. So quiet. Lily went to bed early but did not sleep until dawn. She spent the night staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out whether she was feeling regret or just the regular numbness.

When her mind quieted down enough to let her sleep, her dreams were laden with James's face. He would not leave her alone.

Nothing had changed by morning. Lily could not help wondering where he had gone after he left. Home to his parents? Or to live with Sirius? Maybe he would buy his own flat and find a job. Yes, she had done the right thing. Now he could start his real life, unhampered by her and her troubles. He had done his duty by her and now could have his peace of mind.

The weeks of summer quickly fell into the past. Time or the passing of it held no meaning for Lily. She stayed in the house and let the ghosts of her mother and father follow her around. She tried, for a little while, to fight off the ones of herself and James happy together, but eventually the memories won and she gave into them completely.

She lived as a ghost among ghosts.

James's head turned toward her as she approached, as though some alarm had sounded in his head. He knew. She could see it on his face.

"James, come here. I need to talk to you."

"Lily, don't. Please." There was fear in his eyes.

"Come on. Let's go for a walk." She took his arm and tried to pull him toward the porthole.

"If you're gonna do it, taking me outside is not going to make it any better," he said, his voice rising.

A few people around them looked up from their homework.

"Please listen to me, James."

"So I can hear what? '_It's not you, it's me'?_ _'Let's be friends'?_ What is your excuse going to be, Lily? Tell me."

Lily simply looked at him. Her composure only seemed to infuriate him further.

"I'd really like some privacy, James," she said.

James stood up. "No. Let's hear what you have to say right now, Lily!" He was yelling now, bending close to her face, trying to make her angry too, trying to get her to feel something.

She merely crossed her arms and looked back at him, waiting for him to calm down. They stared at each other for a moment, then James's reddened face began to pale and the furrow in his brow loosened as his eyes grew wide in comprehension. She was not going to get angry. This was not just another argument.

Lily turned and walked out the door, all eyes in the common room watching. He followed her.

She led him to an empty classroom and shut the door behind him.

When she turned back around, James was once again in her face. He grabbed her shoulders and shook her.

"You don't really want to do this, Lily! Think about it. You don't want to do this! Don't _do_ this!" he cried.

When she showed no emotion he suddenly pressed her to his chest and held her there. "Lil, come on. It's me. You can open up with me. Open up! Please! I know what's going on with you. If you would just open up it would stop hurting so much. I know it! Ending us isn't going to help."

But Lily listened with a stone face. She stepped away from him and folded her arms to keep him from grabbing her again.

"I have to, James. I can't do this anymore," said Lily quietly. "I'm sorry."

He stared at her, his eyes widening with shock. Lily broke the gaze and started toward the door. James moved to block her, shaking his head, as if he hadn't actually believed she could utter the words. "Please. Lily."

"Goodbye, James." She tried to leave again but he held her firmly in place.

"You're making a mistake," he whispered, looking down at his hands clutching both her wrists. "I know that you're only doing this because they're gone. But you'll realize it soon. And I'll be waiting for you."

A flash of anger burst inside of her for second, taking her by surprise. "No. No, James. Don't wait for me," she said, frowning. "Don't do that to yourself."

James snapped his head up and glared at her. "Don't tell me what to do! Not now when you're breaking up with me as though I never meant a thing to you! I know I'm right! Run away if you want to! Punish yourself, feel guilty or ashamed or whatever other stupid thing you're putting yourself through but it's not gonna last. It can't last. My Lily is going to come back and I _will_ wait for her."

A resonating silence followed. They stood there, glaring at each other, James still gripping Lily's wrists.

"Let me go," she said.

James dropped his hold. Lily walked by him and shut the door quietly behind her.

Lily replayed that moment, when she had first tried to rid her life of James, over and over in her head. He had been right, she had known it then and she knew it now, but she loved him too much to weigh him down with her and all her miserable ghosts. She tried not to imagine what it would be like if she had never done it. The image was too good and hurt too much. She had to remind herself that it was pain she deserved.

Instead, Lily tried to focus her efforts on hoping that he would move on. It was taking longer than she would have liked and she was fiercely regretting those few days when she had allowed him to stay, since it had probably voided any of the progress he had made.

He was so stubborn.

She remembered how he had refused to accept they were broken up back while they were still in school. How he had continued to walk her to meals and sit next to her in class. She had ignored it, until a few weeks later he ventured to hold her hand at dinner.

Lily had snatched her hand away and looked at him. He turned toward her, looking hopeful to catch a glimpse of some sort of humor or even anger in her face. But again, he found nothing.

"Enough, James. You need to leave me alone. I told you that we are over."

"I know. But I don't believe you meant it, he argued, oblivious to the interested audience of Gryffindors.

"Believe it. And let it go, already."

"_You_ let it go, Lily! It's not your fault!"

"Stop it. You don't know me as well as you think you do. I just don't love you anymore!"

His face changed. Everyone saw it. The color vanished. Something went of his eyes and something died inside of Lily as she sat there and watched it leave.

The ghosts invaded everything. Every room she walked into, every stray thought, every last quiet minute. They stole her sleep when she tried to lie down for some peace. They followed her on walks down the beach and watched her eat. She looked in the mirror and saw a ghost of who she used to be. She felt them—James, her parents—everywhere. All the time.

They refused to let her forget them. They refused to let her take a breath without feeling their weight on her heart.

But they were her only company. They were the only piece of her old life she had left and Lily preferred living among them to losing them altogether, no matter what it cost her.

* * *

**A/N: Hola, dear readers! How have you been? I hope at least some of you are still with me. I know I take forever to update but I do intend to finish both of my fics so hang in there! My next update will Chapter 34 of I Loved You More so keep an eye out for that. **

**Thanks, again!! Tell me what you think. I always ALWAYS love hearing from you!**


	6. In Deep

**Chapter Six**

**In Deep**

James packed up his stuff and left that night, numb with shock. He couldn't believe he was still being rejected by Lily Evans. After everything, after all they had been through, she was still sending him packing.

And this time, it hurt a thousand times more because this time, all he had tried to do was give her company so she didn't have to be alone in that godforsaken house.

Why, _why _did he insist on putting himself through this?

The answer was easy: He could not keep away from Lily. It had been his curse since the very first time she had laughed in his face. Something had changed in him then, like a light bulb turning on and showing what it was he wanted. What he wanted was Lily and he hadn't looked back since. It had been a long, uphill fight, but somehow he had eventually tricked her into being with him. How had he let her slip through his fingers?

The truth was he never had her. Not really. She had him. Always—right in the palm of her hand. And now, even in her darkest moment, she was casting him away again and there was nothing he could do to stop it. She had him and she didn't give a shit.

He felt like she was closing her fingers around him, crushing his stupid, powerless body.

So once again, he left, ending up at the doorstep of Sirius Black.

Sirius opened the door and knew right away what had happened. He had seen that look on his best friend many times before. That look that said, "She's done it again—gone and squashed me like a bug."

"Aw, mate, not again." He patted James on the shoulder and let him inside his flat. "I told you to let her alone. What'd she say this time?"

James, averting his eyes in shame, dropped onto the sofa. "Not together anymore blah blah…need space blah blah…I have to move on."

Sirius winced and grabbed two firewhiskeys from the kitchen. "She's right you know," he said, as he handed one to James.

James glared at him as he took the drink. "Oh, that helps. As if I'd forgotten she dumped me."

Sirius sat down in the armchair and kicked his heels up onto the coffee table. "Well, you did try to go live with her, which isn't something ex-boyfriends generally do."

James looked at him. "You don't get it, Sirius. Her parents are dead. I was there with her when she found them! I had to see her go through all that shit. She's not just my ex-girlfriend. She was going back home for the first time and I just couldn't let her do that alone."

Sirius raised his bottle, toasting James. "And you didn't. But now that's over and she wants to be by herself."

"I dunno, Padfoot. I dunno," mumbled James, staring into his firewhiskey. "I've never seen her so…desperate."

Sirius frowned. "Desperate? Lily?"

"Yeah." James took a deep swig of his drink. "It was strange. She wouldn't do anything—just sat there staring at the water. For hours. She seemed happier when we were talking, but apparently she couldn't wait to get rid of me."

Sirius furrowed his brow in thought. "I don't know what to tell you. I could never figure her out."

"I _thought_ I had." James sighed and drained his firewhiskey.

"I think you did too, while you were dating. But then she changed when her parents were killed. I doubt _she_ can even figure herself out now."

James shook his head. "What am I supposed to do now?"

"Who knows? Find yourself a new girl to chase."

James stayed with Sirius over the next couple of months. They had a good time, living together again. Sirius brought James out to the city to visit pubs and tried to make him forget about Lily. They both knew it was hopeless.

At night, as he tried to sleep on Sirius's sofa, the questions started buzzing in his head. _What was Lily doing now? How was she feeling? Was she lonely? Was she better off now that he was gone, or worse? Was she still having nightmares? Did she still wake up sick? Was she eating?_

On and on they went; the questions never stopped. Always buzzing, never letting him sleep. Buzzing louder until he had to get up. They set him pacing. One night Sirius woke up and found him rehashing his usual path around the sofa.

"Come off it, mate. Are you ever going to let yourself sleep?" he demanded through a yawn as he lifted his arms over his head in a stretch.

James rubbed his face and gripped his hair in frustration. He let out a low, exhausted moan. "I can't. I keep thinking about _her_."

Sirius laid a hand on his friend's arm to stop his pacing. "Listen. If I know Lily, she'll be fine. She'll pull through. She always does," said Sirius. Then he gave James a hard punch in the stomach. "Now, snap out of it. Stop worrying about her. Merlin, I've never seen you worry about anything this much."

"Oh, go back to your beauty sleep, you prat," said James angrily, punching him back.

"I would, but you're keeping me awake again!" retorted Sirius, taking a shot at James's shoulder.

"Quit it!" James cried, furious, moving to pummel Sirius in the face. He was tired, he was frustrated, and his Sirius had burnt out his last nerve.

Sirius ducked. Bent over, he charged at James, knocking him to the floor. "Quit crying over Evans!" He shouted, staring down at his friend.

"What do you think I'm trying to do?!" yelled James. He raised his legs and kicked Sirius in the back of the knees, making him crash down to the floor next to him. Then, furiously, they both started hitting each other. "You're such an idiot!"

"Oh, I'm the idiot?"

"Yeah!"

"At least I'm not still hung up on a girl who broke up with me _six months ago!_"

"Fuck you!"

"Fuck yourself! Since Evans won't."

At this, James disentangled himself with a jerk and sprung to his feet, outraged. Sirius started laughing. "Aw, come on, that was funny! Someone had to say it! What are you doing?"

James stomped around the flat, snatching up his things.

"Oh come off it, Prongs! Stop being an ass! It was a joke! Where're you going? Where the hell—"

But James slammed the door of the flat before Sirius could finish. Fuming, he stalked out of the building and started marching down the sidewalk, still barefoot. It was probably about three o'clock in the morning and he had no idea where he was going to go in nothing but boxers and a t-shirt but he was not going to stay there with Sirius. That asshole.

"Prongs! Prongs, wait up!"

James glanced behind him and saw Sirius running after him. He was wearing a pair of boots that reached up to his bare knees and the shoelaces were flying around his ankles. James tucked his bag under his arm and quickened his pace.

"Prongs! Where are you going?! You don't even have any shoes! Slow down!" yelled Sirius. "James!"

James swung around, blood pumping in his ears. "What do you want?" he yelled back. "I'm going to fuck myself like you said!"

At that moment they both heard someone cry, "Hey! Keep it down!" and slam their window shut.

Sirius caught up to him, a strained look on his face. James glanced at the shut window and cracked a grin. He knew Sirius was bursting and he couldn't help it. Sirius let go, laughing, loud and breathless.

James shook his head, still grinning. "You're such an asshole."

Sirius nodded, still laughing. "I know," he gasped. "Sorry. You don't have to fuck yourself, though the whole town would know if you did." He broke up with a fresh burst of laughter. "I give you permission to kick my ass."

Finally, James started to laugh and Sirius swung his arm around his shoulder. They headed back toward Sirius's flat, sniggering in their boxers like drunks.

"I don't need your permission to kick your ass," said James, when they had caught their breath.

"Yeah, alright."

James hesitated. Then he said, "And for your information, Lily wanted to…you know…."

"Fuck?"

"Yeah."

Sirius's eyebrows flew up. "But?"

"I didn't let her."

Sirius turned toward him, his mouth dropping open. "You're full of shit." When James just stared at him, he stopped dead and slapped his hand to his forehead. "Why didn't you let her?"

James shook his head solemnly. "We're not together. She wasn't ready," he muttered.

"Merlin, Prongs. You _are_ in deep."

James simply nodded. After a moment he said quietly, "I'm really worried about her."

"I see that. Have you tried writing her?"

"What good will that do? I already tried forcing myself on her but she just doesn't want any part of me. She made that much clear."

"Well, she did want to fuck you. I wouldn't say she made it _that_ clear."

James ignored him. "I can't go back there."

"So what now, then? You love this girl and you're just going to give up and go on being sleep-deprived until you drive yourself mad? Lily's been known to reject you—yeah—but she's also been known to change her mind."

James started walking again. "This is different. I don't want to have to convince her to let me stay. I just want to know how she's doing. That's all." Suddenly, James turned and hit Sirius on the shoulder. "_You_ can go!"

Sirius stared at him. "You're mental. You'd rather me go see her?"

"Yeah! Just drop by as a friend and check in. It's a natural thing to do. Just to see how she is."

"Okay, okay, fine, if it'll make you feel better. I'll go tomorrow," agreed Sirius as they climbed the stairs to Sirius's flat.

"Make sure there's food in the fridge," said James, a million concerns popping back into his head as they reentered the living room. "You know what, you should probably just bring some. I had to practically force-feed her while I was there. And try to find out if she's been sleeping all right. See if she looks pale, or tired. She used to wake up with these nightmares—"

Sirius slammed his hand over James's mouth. "Don't make me knock you out!"

James wiggled free. "Whatever you do, don't tell her I'm here or she'll know I sent you."

Sirius turned and headed for his bedroom. "Shut up and go to bed!"

James smiled and collapsed onto the sofa, taking a deep breath of relief. Before he knew it, the buzzing questions had quieted down and let him sleep at last.

* * *

**A/N: Hello again! This chapter was pretty short, I know, but I decided to post it anyway. These two scenes needed their own chapter, they're so different from the rest of the fic. I had a lot of fun writing them, as I never get to write about these characters without looking through Lily's eyes. And I do love them, as you can probably tell. **

Lily will be back in the next chapter, but please tell me what you think about the switch-up. And check out the new chapter of I Loved You More, if you haven't already.

P.S. Sorry about all the harsh language. It's not my usual style but it's James and Sirius, and they can't help it.  



	7. The End

**Chapter Eight**

**The End**

Lily was sprawled on the couch, awake, but not yet able to get up. Photo albums were scattered around her on the floor, the table, and her lap. She had fallen into a restless sleep looking at them only a few hours before and her dreams had been filled with their faces. Mum, Dad, Petunia, James and even Old Lily, as she had taken to calling the ghost of who she used to be. She rolled on to her side and stared at the wall.

There was a knock on the door.

Lily jumped. Two photo albums slid off the couch and onto the floor. Her mind immediately flashed to James. _He's back!_ She flew about the room, fumbling for the albums so she could hide them away in the bookcase.

The knock came again and she dashed into the hall.

"Coming!" she called, using her voice for the first time in weeks.

She stopped in front of the mirror on her way to the front door, preparing to quickly finger-comb her hair. When she met the eyes of her reflection she clapped her hands to her face. They were deeply sunken in, framed by rings of grey, as though the darkness had overflowed her pupils and spilled into the skin around her eyes. Her face was colorless; her skin stretched across her bones, making her dark, dark eyes look twice their size.

She couldn't answer the door. She could not. She could not greet James with this face.

She gently cupped her hand to her neck, gritting as the pain of another loss hit her. It had finally happened—she had let herself slip so far away that she no longer resembled Lily Evans.

The knock came again, getting louder and faster as Lily stood before the mirror, scrutinizing the deep hollows around her collar bones and her limp, greasy hair tangled around her neck.

"Evans? Evans! Are you there?"

Lily started in surprise when the voice yelling over the pounding on the door wasn't James's.

"I know you're in there!" the voice yelled. "Open up!"

It was familiar but distantly, as though someone from another lifetime, another world had come to call. It was so out of place here in her empty, haunted house, that Lily just stood and listened in shock, not knowing what to do.

"Okay, fine! I'm letting myself in!"

The lock clicked and the door swung open. A young man marched into the hall, shoulders tense, brow furrowed, carrying a sack. He halted when his eyes lit upon Lily standing down the hall from him as though lost in her own home.

"Evans?" he said, dropping the sack. "Is that you?! What are you doing?" He bounded toward her and swung her into a big bear hug.

It took Lily a second to react. For some reason, she was flabbergasted that Sirius—this living, breathing, hug-giving, good friend of hers—still existed. When she finally grasped that it was really him, she hugged him back as hard as she could.

"You're as light as a feather, Ev. Starving yourself now, are you?" he asked as he released her. "No matter—I brought loads of food. We're going to have a feast!"

Lily watched him pick up the sack and walk into the kitchen. He dropped it on the counter and started stocking the empty cabinets with food. He let out a low whistle when he opened the refrigerator. "You really are starving yourself."

Lily ignored this. She followed him into the room and recovered her speech. "So, this is a surprise."

Sirius straightened, his eyebrows pinching together. "What is?"

Lily folded her arms and leaned on the counter. "You showing up here. What is with you guys and inviting yourself over?"

"You guys?"

Lily raised her eyebrows. "You didn't know?" she asked sarcastically. "James did the same thing. Brought food, even."

Sirius's look of confusion failed to leave his face. "So why is it a surprise, then?"

Lily threw him a look and sat down at the table, choosing not to answer. She had to be cautious around Sirius. Everything she did would get back to James. She couldn't act like she was especially depressed or missing him, or he would be right back in her house to mess everything up again.

"Am I the first person you've seen to since James left?" Sirius asked suddenly, before emptying a bag of apples into the refrigerator door. He tossed one to Lily.

"No," she lied. "I've seen some of my other friends from school. Why do you care?"

Sirius shrugged. "I dunno. Just checking. It's not healthy to be alone all the time, you know." He turned toward her and caught her eye. "People go insane that way."

Lily averted her eyes and snorted. "You're an odd bloke, Sirius."

Sirius chuckled. "So what do you want to eat?"

"What are you making?"

"You think I know how to cook?"

Lily gave an exasperated sigh. "You said we were going to have a feast!"

"We are…in a manner of speaking," said Sirius.

Lily shook her head and ran her hands through her hair, trying to fluff it up a little. She was already tired and wanted to go back to lying on the couch. It was very hard to keep herself from wishing that it really had been James at the door. She had to keep reciting her mantra: _He's better off without you, he's better off without you._

"Whatever. I don't care," she said.

Sirius jumped into action. He dashed about the kitchen, snatching all kinds of food—bread, crackers, cheese, muffins, vegetables, fruit, cold chicken, ham, cookies, cereal, and ice cream—and he laid it all out on the table in front of Lily. Then he sat down across from her.

"There. Our feast." He picked up a box of cereal and stuffed his hand inside.

Lily smirked and took a bite of her apple.

They sat and picked at the food, taking whatever they felt like, without bothering with dishes. Sirius threw a handful of questions at her—"How've you been? What have you been up to? What do you do all day? Who have you seen?" And Lily worked to give vague, nondescript answers, inserting sarcasm wherever she could. She had to be careful not to reveal how she really lived…or how close she actually was to the edge.

"You look terrible, Evans," Sirius said abruptly.

"Gee, thanks, you're so sweet."

Sirius stared at her. "No, really. Be honest. What's up?"

"I am being honest," said Lily evenly. "I just slept in late and couldn't shower or anything before you came—since, you know, I didn't exactly know you were coming."

"Oh, shut up," said Sirius, tossing the piece of chicken he was eating onto the table. "A shower couldn't fix the state you're in."

"Really, Sirius, I've never felt so flattered."

"Like you don't know it yourself. What the hell have you done to yourself anyway?" he demanded. "Oh, that's right. I'll make up an answer for you—save you the trouble. You must be spent, with all the lies you've told since I got here."

Lily scowled at him. "Look who's talking."

Sirius folded his arms. "I haven't lied."

"All right, then. Be honest—"

"—Love to—"

"Why are you _really_ here?"

Sirius did not flinch. "James wanted me to come."

"And why would he want _you_ to come see _me_?"" asked Lily, sneering in derision.

"To check up on you. Why else?"

"Because I can't take care of myself, right?"

Sirius stood up and waved a hand at her. "Well, look at yourself, Evans! You look like a corpse! You obviously aren't eating or sleeping. I thought James was worrying for nothing but clearly, he's right. _Clearly_, you _cannot_ take care of yourself."

Lily slammed down her apple viciously. "So now what? Are you going to stay here and baby-sit me too or are you just going report back to James so he can do it?"

Sirius swept over to her and grabbed her by the shoulders. "Goddamn it, Evans! Can't you just be honest?" he spat. "Why don't you ask yourself this: Why do you keep breaking my best friend's heart? What are you so afraid of?"

Lily stared at him. Something grew inside her throat. She couldn't speak.

Sirius gave her a little shake. "Well?"

_I am afraid…I'm afraid he'll stop loving me when I fail to feel better. I'm afraid of never feeling happy again and dragging him through that. I'm afraid things won't be like they were. I'm afraid of how well he knows me. I'm afraid to live like this with him._

But she didn't say any of this to Sirius. Instead, she looked up at him with wide eyes. In a strangled voice, she asked, "How is he?"

Sirius let go of her and spun around with a frustrated groan. "This is ridiculous! He wants you, you want him—why the fuck won't you let him come back?!"

Lily looked at the floor covered her mouth with one hand, trying to keep her pain from falling out. She had already revealed too much. "I don't deserve him," she mumbled.

"What?"

The sob escaped and she doubled over from the force of it, her whole body quaking. "_I don't deserve him!"_

Suddenly, she flung herself at Sirius and grabbed two fistfuls of his shirt. "Please don't tell him any of this," she cried. "Please! Please just tell him to move on! He should be happy."

Sirius looked down at her, a strange look dawning in his eyes, as though he was just understanding how much Lily had changed. It wasn't just the weight loss and the sleep deprivation or even the grief. The change was deeper and he saw it as she begged before him. "He'd be happy with you," he said.

Lily shook her head from violently side to side. "No, he wouldn't. Trust me. No one would. Just promise me you'll tell him I'm doing fine. Tell him to forget about me. Promise!" she pleaded. "_Please!_ If you care about him as much as you say you do, you'll promise. Sirius, it's the only way!" Lily begged. Tears slid down her cheeks and soaked into his shirt.

Finally Sirius sighed, his face darkening. He put his arms around her. "Okay, Evans. I promise."

After Sirius left, Lily breathed a little easier. At least she knew that, whatever happened, James moving on. He would soon be everything he was meant to be.

Knowing this helped her realize what to do. It opened up an option she had been tiptoeing in spirals around since she had seen the blankness in her parents' eyes. Tiptoeing, carefully, yet getting closer and closer…

Lily lived in her parents' old house with the ghosts following her around throughout the rest of the summer. Sometimes, Lily caught herself talking to them. She wanted, so badly, to be a part of their world. It was the only world she recognized.

But slowly, gradually, they followed her around less and less. Soon, she began to feel like she was following _them_ around. She grew desperate; who was she without them? The less they haunted her, the more lost she felt. So Lily deliberately found ways to bring them back. The photo albums, the old music, her father's old books, her mother's old clothes. They were there—always—so she followed them, chased them, called to them. _Don't leave me._

Then one night, Lily followed them into the ocean and slipped into their world.

James crossed one leg over the other, then uncrossed it again. He tapped his foot on the floor and threw the _Daily Prophet _down on the coffee table, unable to concentrate on the "Help Wanted" section he should have been reading. He wondered why Sirius hadn't come home yet. _How long could it possibly take? _His mind started wandering to other, wild scenarios involving Sirius and Lily. Scenes played out in his mind that made him vaguely ill. He knew they were ridiculous, but he couldn't stop them from coming and making him crazy.

James jumped up and marched into the kitchen. He grabbed a firewhiskey and took a long swig, trying to relax. He had been doing this a lot lately.

Suddenly the door opened. "Hello!"

James dashed back into the living room. "Well?" he blurted.

Sirius kicked off his shoes and settled onto the sofa.

"How is she?" demanded James, his shoulders tensing. "Did she look well? Did she have food? What did she talk about?"

Sirius pointed to James's firewhiskey. "I'll take one of those."

"Come on, Padfoot. Out with it. How bad was she?"

Sirius stared at his lap. He looked tired.

James took a step closer, his anxiety growing. "Tell me."

"She's doing fine, James," Sirius said finally, looking up with a strained smile. James's shoulders sank and Sirius continued, nodding. "She looked well. A little tired maybe but it sounded like she's been busy with friends from school and things like that."

James stared at Sirius. "Really?"

"Yeah, mate. You can relax now. She seemed a lot better."

James nodded, his gaze finally dropping. He fell into the chair. _She is better off without me._

Sirius stood up and placed a hand on James's shoulder for a second. "She asked about you."

James glanced up at him, his interest sparked.

"Yeah. She wanted to know how you were," said Sirius, taking a firewhiskey for himself. "I told her you'd found another girl."

James turned his head so fast, his neck cracked.

"Joking," grinned Sirius. "Seriously, though, I think she really does want the best for you but she's moving on." Sirius sat back down on the sofa and took a sip. "You've got to let her go, mate."

James looked away, staring into space. They sat there together in silence for a few minutes, balancing the firewhiskeys on their knees, one torn between relief that Lily was doing so well and disappointment that she was doing it without him, the other torn between what was best for his best friend and the truth.

Finally, James sighed. "Good. I'm glad she's happy. She needs a fresh start." He looked at Sirius. "You're sure, though?"

Sirius looked directly back at him. "Would I lie to you?"

The sky softened as the sun fell behind the horizon. Lily searched through her closet by the fading light that pervaded her room like mist. Searching for the dress that she had not worn since the night of her first date with James. It was white, strapless, knee-length—a gift from her mother for her sixteenth birthday. She could remember running out of the room to try it on, then spinning around in the kitchen to show it off for her parents. She could still hear her father's voice saying, "_My girl is so beautiful_."

She found it at last and put it on. She thought of that night with James. He had taken her to a little café outside of London. Afterward, while they walked back and forth through the streets of town, he paused and grazed his warm hand up her arm to her neck then her cheek, finally resting it in her hair. Lily had closed her eyes and kissed him.

Lily hugged the dress around her, imagining that his scent still lingered in the fabric. Then she wandered out of her bedroom and crept through the hall and down the stairs, watching her bare feet pad across the floor as they had so many times before. She watched them rise up on tiptoe as she passed the kitchen and entered the dining room for the first time since she and James walked in to find her parents' bodies.

The fading light highlighted the dust on the long table and cast the white walls in a bluish glow. Someone had been there. Someone had stood her father's chair upright and taken off the settings and the table cloth—James's mother.

The room was cold. The room where she had blown out the candles on each of her birthday cakes, ate dinner every night with her family as a child, laughing and loving each other and introduced her parents to the love of her life was cold and still and empty. Now she had no family. She had no love. The people in those memories were gone.

She might as well be, too.

As Lily thought this, a powerful wave of sadness broke over her, cold and overwhelming. She shivered and turned back into the hall. She crept into the kitchen, her bare feet sticking to the tiles. Through the screen door, she could see the waves crashing into the shore, just like the sadness crashing into her, only it never retracted into the sea. It never left.

Lily slid open the door and stepped onto the porch. The wind fluttered the hem of her dress around her knees and pushed her hair off her forehead. She took a long breath and slipped off the porch. She could feel the ghosts just ahead. She trailed at their heels, where she liked to be.

She followed them away from the house and to the tip of the water. But this time she did not stop at the edge to let her feet disappear under the sand, trapping her to this earth. She walked straight into the water and let each wave pass through her. The water was cold, numbing—like the memories. It felt good; to be numb. _Finally_.

All the way to her waist, she walked. Her dress looked like a cloud in the water, soft and delicate. Lily closed her eyes. Peace, relief—that's all she wanted. The memories gave it to her in fleeting moments but it wasn't enough. The water would free her forever.

_This is it. _Soon, it will be over, Lily thought, and a calm fell over her damaged heart. Eyes closed, arms stretched over her bent head, she dove, head-on, into her escape.

* * *

A Quick Note: Despite the name of this chapter, this is NOT the end. I repeat NOT the end. Ahem...Remember Harry? That kid with the scar? So please, calm down, folks. 

Thank you. Please review.

Love love love,

Meggie


	8. Not Yet

**First posted: March 2, 2008**

**Suggested music: "Solace Among Sin" by Xavier Rudd**

**Chapter Eight**

**Not Yet**

The water was so cold. Lily felt it freezing her brain and filling her insides.

_The end was coming._

It swallowed her whole, enveloping every last part of her, everything that was too weak to live. She thought of her parents—she would see them soon, maybe even in a few minutes. Then she pictured James, wanting his face to be the last thing she saw. She saw him clearly; his wild hair, his smiling eyes, that one dimple. Her heart nearly exploded.

He would go on after she left. He was strong. He would fall in love with some lovely girl and they would marry and have a family. Maybe a little boy with James's face. Suddenly Lily's sadness passed and she was filled with longing. She didn't want some other woman, lovely or not, to have that baby. A dreadfully fierce, quaking desire came over her, so powerful, Lily was surprised that it didn't jolt her very body. _She_ wanted to be mother of that child.

Lily could feel her head clouding. She couldn't tell which way was up. She could no longer feel the water around her. All sensation seemed to have frozen.

It was so close.

The images in her head morphed into little fisted hands and tiny kicking feet. A tuft of jet black hair.

Lily jerked her head, suddenly panicked. She opened her eyes but everything was black. Which way was up? She had to find air. She had to breathe for this baby, and James, a life she wanted—desperately—to live.

Furiously, she fought the drowning darkness. _No, not yet! It can't be over yet! I'm not ready! Oh, please, please, not yet!_

If only…she could find…air.

She kicked her feet and her head burst through the surface.

Air. Life. It was still there.

She took a deep gulp, throwing her head back. Water came up her throat and she coughed on it until her lungs were clear. Again, her skin felt the sting of the cold water and her tongue tasted the salt and she was thankful for it.

It's not over.

Slowly, Lily's feet found the sand of the bottom. She stood, her dress clinging to her heaving chest, and waded back toward the shore.

She had made it. She had pulled herself out. She was strong after all.

Lily lay back onto the sand at the very edge of the water so that the waves just barely reached her toes. She looked into the sky. The stars were out, though it wasn't completely dark. Not yet.

Lily stared at them, feeling the air enter and leave her body in the rhythm of the waves. She could still see James's face and ten tiny fingers. But she also saw herself, her smile, her light. She was deeply alone—the ghosts had not followed her out of the sea—but she was not afraid.

Hot tears of joy fused with the cool pearls of water on her face. She was alive.

Lily lay in the sand, gazing into the beauty of the night sky, for hours. Finally the wind grew too cold on her wet skin so she stood and dashed up to the house, kicking up sand and smiling because she actually cared about whether or not she got hypothermia.

She stripped out of her dress and took a hot shower. Then she put on a nightgown and curled up in bed. She was sleepy, and, for the first time in a long time, sleep came to her, gentle and soothing. It wrapped her in a big hug and let her tired body rest—at last.

James and Sirius were getting ready. They had yet to find jobs, but something much more interesting had come up. They marched around the flat, looking for shoes nudged under the sofa and packing up the Map and James's invisibility cloak. Folded on the coffee table sat a letter in narrow, loopy handwriting.

_Dear James and Sirius,_

_As the Ministry has proven itself incapable of matching Voldemort's increasing powers, it has become plain to me that something else must be done. Come to the enclosed address on Thursday evening if you feel the same. Be discreet._

_Yours truly,_

_A.D._

"You ready yet, Prongs?" asked Sirius, straightening his robes. "We've got to go."

James came out of the bathroom, sliding his glasses onto his face. He grabbed the letter and stuffed it in his shirt pocket. "Yeah, let's go."

Gathering their things they stashed their wands into their pockets and Apparated out of the flat.

The next moment they were standing in the middle of a narrow dirt road, crowded on either side by thick walls of trees. Although it was still early, the surrounding forest darkened the road so that they could not see very far in either direction.

"What the hell?" said James. "Where are we?"

Sirius lit his wand. "No clue. D'you reckon this is the wrong place?"

"And we both happened to have Apparated to this random road?" asked James skeptically.

Sirius swung his arms around at the surrounding forest. "Well, Prongs, do you see anyone else here?"

As he spoke, two figures appeared a few yards away with two loud _cracks! _

"Actually…" said James, pulling out his wand in caution.

The two figures slowly stepped closer. "James? Sirius? Is that you?"

It took them a moment to recognize the curly-haired man and the short, round-faced woman.

"Alice! Frank, mate!" cried Sirius.

"Keep it down, Padfoot," hissed James, though he smiled at the couple.

"You got Dumbledore's letter, too?" asked Frank brightly.

"Yeah, but we have no idea what we're doing here in the middle of these woods. We thought we got the address wrong," said Sirius.

"The place has got to be enchanted," said Alice, pulling her wand from her robes. "It _is_ an underground operation, isn't it?"

"Still seems a bit dodgy to me. Shouldn't Dumbledore have told us what spells we'd need?" said Sirius. "Let me see the letter, James."

"Putting that in a letter would kind of defeat the purpose of the protective charms," said James, but he took the letter out of his pocket and looked at it. "There's nothing here. Just 123 Dorham Lane."

The second James finished speaking, there was a creaking noise and the trees to one side of the road parted and swept aside to form a large clearing. Before their eyes, a roomy stone house unfolded in the clearing, so overgrown with moss and ivy that James thought the protective charms were hardly needed.

"The Fidelius Charm!" cried Sirius, smacking his forehead. "Blimey, we're idiots."

"Shut _up_, Padfoot," said James, approaching the house. "Don't you know what discreet means?"

Sirius, Frank and Alive followed him to the doorstep. James raised his fist and knocked.

"What do you think we'll be doing?" asked Sirius, grinning in excitement. "I'm ready for some action."

"I'm sure it's only a meeting," said Alice. "I'm just glad someone's finally decided to do _something_."

The door opened slightly and a swiveling electric blue eye appeared in the crack. "Well?" growled a voice.

James glanced around at the other three, eyes wide, and saw that they were just as alarmed as he was.

"Er—I'm James Potter. Professor Dumbledore sent for us to come here tonight," said James uncertainly. He tried to sound as though he was totally accustomed to talking to a large eyeball.

The eye simply darted from one face to the other. It didn't look any closer to welcoming them in. But then the door swung open and Dumbledore was standing there, beaming at them. The eyeball, they saw, belonged to the man beside him, the rest of whose appearance was almost just as frightening. His face was gnarled and scarred and his other eye was dark and quite normal compared with the other, which had spun around to look through the back of his head.

"Ah, good evening," said Dumbledore pleasantly. "It's quite all right, Alastor. They're here on my invitation as well."

"More kids?" grumbled the man. "They could be disguised. I told you, we need a password. No telling how many Death Eaters we've let in already."

Dumbledore smiled. His twinkling blue eyes trailed over them, lingering on each of their faces. "I'm quite certain these are indeed my old students." He gestured for them to enter with a wave of his thin hand. "This is James Potter, Sirius Black, Alice DeLittle and Frank Longbottom. Meet Alastor Moody, a highly-esteemed Auror in the Ministry. He has graciously allowed us use of his home for this fine evening."

James, Sirius, Frank and Alice stepped inside the small entranceway. James held out his hand to shake Moody's but he just looked at them suspiciously and grunted a greeting.

"We're still waiting for a few more people to arrive so please make yourselves comfortable," said Dumbledore, pointing to a doorway off the side of the hall that led into a large sitting room.

"Thanks, Professor," said James, recovering his voice. He went to follow the other three into the room but a mirror on the entranceway wall caught his attention. It was not reflecting his face but showed dark, shadowy figures looming in the depths of the glass.

"It's a Foe Glass," muttered Moody, noticing his interest.

James peered at it. "How does it work?"

He meant to listen to Moody's answer but at that moment, he heard something that immediately drew all of his attention elsewhere.

"Lily? I didn't know you were coming!"

James froze. Dazedly, he excused himself midway through whatever Moody was saying and strode into the next room.

His eyes immediately lit upon a girl bent in front of a bookcase in the corner. She straightened at the sound of Alice's voice and turned.

"Hi—" Her voice trailed off as her eyes glided over Alice and landed on James. She stared at him and he stared back, unaware of everything but her face. After a long moment, she seemed to collect herself enough to give Alice a hug.

"It's so good to see you," said Lily.

Her eyes wandered back to James as she stepped away from Alice. A wide smile spread across her face. James stared at it, stunned. When was the last he had seen that on her face?

Lily turned back to Alice, Frank and Sirius. "How are you? How was your summer?"

"Great, we've been really busy…"

As James watched Lily, an odd feeling of surrealism fell over him. He couldn't believe she was suddenly in front of him—standing right there—after all these months. And she looked wonderful; Sirius had been right when he said she was doing well. Her eyes were bright and her cheeks were flushed. She looked strong, more substantial than the last time he had seen her, as though she had somehow become more solidified. He was also struck by how young she looked, lively and glowing, as she had always been back when they were in school—before her parents were killed.

James wanted to say something. He wanted to tell her how good she looked or how proud of her he was for pulling herself through. How he was doing well, too, better than he thought he ever would without her—that he was functioning. But he too seemed to have transported back in time to the days when he had no idea how to talk to her. A strange, squirming feeling twisted in his stomach as he fumbled for words.

"Prongs…Prongs?"

James blinked. Everyone was staring at him. "What?"

"Evans just asked how you were," said Sirius. He looked partly worried and partly like he wanted to hit James over the side of the head.

James glanced back at Lily. She was smiling at him. A rush of warmth blew through his veins. He fumbled for words.

"Oh…um, I'm—er—I'm good," he said.

Sirius snorted and slapped him on the back. "Sorry, Evans, he hasn't had his nap today."

James turned and glared at Sirius, who shrugged.

Lily giggled and turned back to Alice. "What about you two? Hey, is that a ring on your finger?!"

James snapped his eyes onto Alice's hand, which Lily had taken into one of hers. A small diamond ring shone on her finger. His eyes widened.

Alice beamed, obviously thrilled that Lily had noticed. "Yes…Frank and I are engaged!" she cried.

"Congratulations!" shouted Sirius, startling all the people around them. He grabbed Frank in a one-armed hug, winking. "Waste no time, do you, mate?"

James stared at Frank then looked back at Lily, who was examining the ring with Alice. His heart suddenly started beating, hard. He felt restless, impatient, like there was something urgent he needed to do. Lily lifted her eyes briefly and met his. All the blood in his body seemed to squeeze into his face at once. Lily looked back at the ring, her smile a little bigger. James blinked. _What did she mean by that?_

"Hey, you lot!"

James tore his eyes from Lily to see Remus Lupin walk into the room.

"Moony! How're you, mate?!" cried Sirius in a booming voice. As always, he managed to be louder than everyone around him put together.

He gave Remus one of his huge, signature hugs. Remus smiled and shook everyone's hands. He threw James a brief look of concern as though he thought James might soon be sick. James averted his eyes, secretly agreeing.

"What do you think this meeting's going to be like?" asked Remus. "That Moody bloke is quite—er…"

"Creepy?" offered Sirius.

"He's actually a great Auror," said Frank. "Taken on loads of Dark wizards." He lowered his voice. "We all call him Mad-Eye in the Ministry, though."

"Whatever we're doing here, Dumbledore's got something up his sleeve," said Remus.

"He always does," agreed Frank.

James turned back to Lily, almost afraid she would disappear. She and Alice had wandered off to the side, deep in conversation—no doubt, James thought, of the engagement. His stomach did a little flip as he stole another glance at the ring. He had the strange sensation that he had lost something.

Frank, Sirius, and Remus were also busy talking. James stood there, still in shocked silence, trying to get a hold of himself. He glanced around, finally taking notice of the other people in attendance. The room was long with a high ceiling and wide stone fireplace. At one end, there was a sofa and some armchairs. A young man he recognized as Edgar Bones was chatting with another tall thin wizard and an older witch with silver hair on the sofa. Marlene McKinnon, a Gryffindor who had graduated a few years before James, was standing in the corner with two other older classmates, Benjy Fenwick and Sturgis Podmore. At the other end of the room, Professor McGonagall sat at a large round table sipping tea with a small man in a violet top hat and an old wizard in a bright orange sailor's cap. James wondered vaguely how Dumbledore had chosen such an odd group of people.

The small crowd continued to chat as they waited for the meeting to begin. After a little while,

The Prewett brothers arrived, followed shortly by Peter Pettigrew. Moody and Dumbledore entered the room after them. Everyone grew quiet as they walked across the floor to stand behind the round table. Lily sat down next to Alice in the row of chairs that lined the wall. Instinctively, James went to take the seat on her other side but Sirius caught his eye and slid into it before he could get there. James glared at him and sat down in an armchair next to Remus.

Dumbledore cleared his throat and looked around at them. "Thank you all for coming," he said, extending his arms toward them, which only intensified the strange sensation James had that he was back at Hogwarts. "I have called you here to help me begin a very difficult movement—that is, to stand up for what is right in the face of evil and corruption. I must impress upon you all the danger and risk involved in this task. The risk of abduction, disfiguration, arrest, insanity, torture, death, and loss of family and friends." He paused for a brief moment. "It is not something to be taken lightly." His blue gaze caught on James and Sirius for a moment. "I ask that you take a long look at who you are and be absolutely certain of your loyalties and your desire to stand up to authority and Dark Magic."

Dumbledore stopped and took one more long glance at all the faces around the room. They all stared back, gazes level, in silence.

"Now," said Dumbledore smiling, "Has anyone had a change of heart? Speak now or forever hold your peace."

No one moved.

"Wonderful. I hereby commence the first meeting of the Order of the Pheonix." He turned to Moody. "Alastor?" he said, before settling into the chair next to the tiny man with the top hat.

"All right, then," rumbled Moody, bearing down upon them with a grim face. "First order of business. We're going to need to get to know the ins and outs of each other's abilities. Strengths. Weaknesses. Experience. We won't be best friends but we will be a team. That is how we will be most potent against Dark wizards but a group that does not know each other is nothing."

Dumbledore nodded and had them begin by taking turns in telling about themselves. James, feeling a little like he was at summer camp, told the room that he had just graduated from Hogwarts and that his strength was Transfiguration and weakness was Potions. He avoided Sirius and Peter's eyes as they both proclaimed Transfiguration to be their strength as well.

Moody rolled his normal eye when Sirius added that he did not have any weaknesses—just beautiful women. "_That_ is what we get when you recruit all these stupid kids!" he roared, glaring at Dumbledore. "They won't take this seriously."

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled as he gave Sirius a slightly reproving look. "I assure you they are well-qualified, Alastor. We mustn't allow Voldemort to steal our ability to joke."

James suddenly met Lily's eyes. He grinned at her and she looked away, smiling.

James kept his eyes on her for a moment longer before turning his attention to Marlene, who was saying that she had worked in the Office of Magical Law Enforcement for the past two years. He was feeling more and more like he was back in fifth-year, failing to comprehend the workings of Lily Evans's brain. Was she just being nice or, God forbid, did she just want to be friends?

He made sure that he did not look at her throughout the rest of the meeting. It threw off his focus. After about another hour during most of which Moody lectured them on constant vigilance, Dumbledore announced the meeting adjourned and a house-elf padded into the room balancing a huge tray of mugs and coffee on its head. Everyone relaxed and started chatting again as the drinks got passed around.

James moved to the corner of the room and gazed over the heads milling about. He leaned against the wall, partially obscured by Benjy and Caradoc, and allowed himself to watch Lily as she talked and laughed with Alice. He focused his eyes on her shining auburn head, knowing he shouldn't be doing this to himself, aware of where he would end up all over again, but he couldn't help it. He was back in school, drawn to this laughing, passionate, confident girl. He knew he should check himself. He didn't think his heart could stand another crushing but once again, she had complete control over it.

Lily sensed his hard stare. She looked at him suddenly, her green eyes staring directly through the crowd into his. James felt them piercing his face, his chest.

She smiled. Her whole face lit up. James froze, unable to tear his eyes away.

Sirius's face popped up, inches from his nose. James jumped, knocking his head back into the wall.

"Prongs, what the hell do you think you're doing?"

It took James a moment to recover. He tilted his head to the side to look over Sirius's shoulder. Lily had turned back to Alice.

"What do you mean?" he asked, dazed.

Sirius grabbed James's face and jerked it away so that he was forced to look at him. "You're mooning over her again," he said. "You idiot. Are you _ever_ going to learn? It's getting pathetic. Seriously, I'm embarrassed _for_ you."

"She looks so different—"

Sirius didn't let him finish. "Yeah, I know. What'd I tell you? She's moved on. You've got to, too. It's over."

"I have moved on."

Sirius pushed him in the shoulder. "Don't talk to me like an idiot," he snapped. "That's it. I'm going to get Moony and then we're out of here. We'll go to a pub—find you a nice rebound girl."

"But—I should probably say goodbye—"

"No. We're leaving. Let me find Moony." Sirius hurried off, scanning the crowd.

James cast a sideways glanced back at Lily. She was now deep in conversation with Moody and McGonagall. Sirius was right. He had to leave before he slipped even further into her grasp.

He inched along the wall and escaped into the empty entranceway. He opened the front door and stepped out onto the stone doorstep. There, he let his head fall against the house and waited, where he could not see her. "I'm such an idiot."

He banged his head in frustration. How could he let it happen again? Would he be like this forever? Would Lily move gracefully through the rest of her life while he watched, all along, in constant yearning?

"Hey."

James straightened with a jolt. Lily was smiling at him again.

He ran his hand through his hair. How did she always find him?

Lily laughed. "How've you been?" The way she spoke put a million other questions behind her words.

James shrugged. "All right. Staying with Sirius." He fought the urge to reach out and put his arms around her waist. "You look great, Lily. You're doing well, then?"

Lily nodded. "Thank you. I've been much better since…you last saw me."

James looked straight into her eyes. "Good. It shows. I haven't seen you smile so much since before…" his voice trailed off.

Lily looked directly back up at him, freezing James with her eyes. "I haven't seen you be so quiet since…never."

James smiled but didn't respond.

The door opened and Sirius nearly knocked Lily over, Remus and Peter close behind.

Sirius looked at James, his eyebrows raised. "Oh hello, Evans."

"Hi, Sirius. Are you guys leaving?"

"Actually, yes. We're going out," said Sirius. "To scope out some chicks, you see."

James almost punched him. He turned to Lily. "We're just getting drinks."

Lily smiled. "Good idea. That meeting was intense, huh?"

"You want to come?" asked Remus.

Sirius glared at him. "It's late. I doubt she wants—"

"Excuse me, Sirius, but I'm not an old lady," cut in Lily indignantly. "And my bedtime went out the window back when you lot would drag me all over the school in the middle of the night. I would love a drink."

James grinned. "Brilliant! How about the Three Broomsticks?"

"Sounds good."

Sirius looked at Remus and James. "I don't know, mates. I think we need some male bonding time. No girls—just the Marauders, as they were meant to be."

Lily crossed her arms and raised her eyebrows. James grinned, because it reminded him of when she used to try and scold them for sneaking out of their dormitory. "You just said yourself you were going to scope out some chicks," she said.

"That's how we bond."

James shoved Sirius in the arm. "Come off it, Padfoot. It's just a bloody drink."

Sirius looked at him and shook his head. "Fine. Let's move." He gave James a push off the doorstep. Lily followed and James glanced behind him, his heart not knowing whether to leap or close up and shrink. He knew…it was happening all over again. He could not keep his eyes away for long.

And there was nothing he could do.

* * *

**A/N: READERS! How are you?! How did you like this chapter? Aren't you glad I didn't kill off Lily? Some of you were scared...admit it. But how could she die before Harry is born?? Sheesh...**

**Please tell me what you think. Thanks for all the reviews. You guys are amazing.**


	9. Do You Realize?

**First posted: June 22, 2009**

**Suggested music: "Love You Till the End" by the Pogues**

**Chapter Nine**

**Do You Realize?**

Peter, Remus and James had already apparated to Hogsmeade. Lily was getting ready to follow when Sirius grabbed her rather roughly by the arm.

"Oh, no you don't. What do you think you're doing? What happened to letting him move on?"

Lily frowned. "I've changed my mind."

"_You changed your mind?_" mocked Sirius. "You can't keep doing this, Evans. Every time you change your mind James is either strung along or left in the dust. You have to decide and stop being a selfish bitch."

Lily ignored the insult and looked straight up into his face. "This is different, Sirius. Back then, it really was the best thing for him to get away from me. I didn't want to let him go, but I was a mess. Well, I've got myself together now."

He did not look convinced. "Mmhmm. And what if you change your mind again?"

"This is the last time I'm going change my mind. Trust me."

Sirius took hold of her shoulders. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, Sirius. I've never been more sure. You don't have to worry about your precious Prongs." Lily smiled wide. "I'll take good care of him." She paused, wondering whether some of the flavor of her delicious secret would seep out if she spoke the words aloud. She decided to risk it. "I love him."

Sirius stared at her. Slowly, a smile spread across his stern face. "This is the last time."

"Yes."

"Promise?"

Lily rolled her eyes and nodded. The next thing she knew, he had pulled her into a big hug. They both laughed.

He released her. "Let's go then!"

They apparated, appearing in front of the Three Broomsticks. Together, they walked inside. Remus, Peter, and James were already at a table. They waved them over.

"What took you two so long?"

"Lily forgot how to apparate," said Sirius, winking at her. He squeezed into the booth next to Remus so that Lily could sit next to James.

James looked down at his lap, as though he hadn't noticed. Lily pushed in close.

The bartender approached their table, recognizing them from their days at Hogwarts.

"I'll have a scotch," said Sirius. "On the rocks."

"Rum and coke."

"Firewhiskey."

"I'll just have a beer," said James.

"The same for me," said Lily.

They got their drinks and began reminiscing about Hogwarts and Hogsmeade trips.

"Remember that time we snuck along in second-year?" asked Sirius. "One of the prefects recognized us and got us detention for the whole weekend—damn kiss-ass."

"What a prat."

"Remember when we shot off those fireworks from inside the Shrieking Shack and scared the shit out all those girls?"

Then Sirius, "Hey, Prongs, remember when you tricked Lily into coming to Hogsmeade with you by telling her there was a Prefect emergency in the Three Broomsticks?"

Lily laughed and looked sideways at James. "You practically kidnapped me."

"I figured I had to cover all my bases," shrugged James. "Remember when I bought you that heart thing from Zonko's for Valentine's Day? Didn't it sing love songs? You were so angry, you threw it away right in front of me."

"I was dating Andreas at the time!" laughed Lily. "But I went back and got it after you left. I still have it, actually."

"Yeah, right."

"It's in my trunk with all my old Hogwarts stuff…" said Lily, nodding. "I never hated you as much as I let on."

James grinned. "I knew it." Suddenly he put his arm around her, like he used to. It was almost instinct. He gave her a squeeze. "You can't resist me." Then he seemed to realize his mistake and dropped it, looking away.

Under the table, Lily touched his knee._ It's all right_, she wanted to say.

She felt him tense up. He stared directly in front of him, his neck straight. Then he glanced at her.

Lily smiled. He seemed to relax. Slowly he put his hand on his leg and slid it up his knee to clasp it over hers.

The boys across the table were still laughing about old memories and didn't seem to notice. Lily pushed a little closer, so they were shoulder-to-shoulder. She wanted to leave. But more than anything she wanted James to come with her. After three long months, she was dying to hold him. But she couldn't figure out how to tell him.

She turned to him and said. "You know what, I should probably be going."

"Aw, no, Lily. Where're you going?" asked Sirius.

"Home. I have…things to do. You know."

"Yeah, yeah, your bedtime. Got it." He grinned.

Lily stood up and said goodbye. "I'll see you all later." Her eyes met James's, trying to tell him.

He looked back at her. His shoulders dropped. Lily couldn't be sure if he understood.

She got up and left the pub, then stood and waited outside, hoping her would make up some excuse to leave. They used to do it all the time when they were with their friends in the common room or at dinner. It was their little code. One of them would pretend to be tired or have things to do and say see you later. And a few minutes later, the other would follow, making up their own excuse to leave.

Lily waited and waited. Five minutes went by. Then ten. After twenty, she realized he wasn't going to follow. Lily sighed, her eyes burning. He didn't want to follow. He was done with her games.

So Lily apparated back to the house by the sea, still alone. She poured herself a glass of wine and brought a blanket out onto the porch. She curled up on the chair with a book, fighting the disappointment that was weighing down her heart. She still had time. He had taken her hand. It wasn't over.

Suddenly the porch door slid open. James stepped outside. Lily dropped her book and jumped to her feet.

"You got my signal," she said, smiling.

James grinned. "How could I miss it? Subtlety was never your strong point. So I waited a little longer to keep our cover." He looked at her and paused. "You didn't think I would come?"

"I waited but when you didn't come, I reckoned you didn't want to." She took a step toward him until they were touching. No explanation, they just fell back into place. Back to the place she belonged.

James smiled and put his arms around her waist. "When have I ever not wanted to, Lily Evans?" he asked. He bent over her face and slowly kissed her.

Lily smiled too and buried her face in his shoulder. It had been so long. "I missed you."

"Not half as much as I missed you," James whispered into her hair. He held her tighter. "I'm so proud of you, Lily."

"Why?"

"I don't know…For finding your way, I guess, on your own. I always knew you could," he said. "I'm surprised you still want me."

Lily tilted her head up and kissed him.

"James?"

"Yes," he murmured into her skin.

"I want to get married."

Silence. "To who?"

Lily glared at him. "To you, you prat!" She gave him a little punch in the chest.

James choked out a little laugh. "Why would you want to do that?"

"I'm not saying that I want to do it now…or even anytime soon," she said, fumbling for the right words. Lily's heart was suddenly thundering against her ribcage. This wasn't coming out the way she had pictured it. She looked away from his face. Was she freaking him out? Was he about to turn and run for his life? Should she just laugh and pass the whole thing off as a joke?

Lily shook her head. No. She had something to say to him and he was going to hear it. She had to be brave.

She gently laid her hand on his chest and allowed her eyes to rest there, since she was still too nervous to look up into his face. The face that had saved her life.

"It's just that…" she started. "You know how Sirius came to see me awhile back?"

"Yeah."

"And when he went back home he told you I was doing fine and moving on, right?"

"Yeah."

"Well…he lied."

"What?"

Lily was still looking away from him but she could hear the mixture of confusion and anger in his voice.

"He didn't _want_ to lie, of course. Sirius would never do that to you. I told him to lie for me. I didn't think I was going to get any…better anytime soon and I wanted you to move on and be happy."

"Lily, why—?"

"Shh. Please. Just let me finish," hushed Lily. "I wanted you to move on because I was planning on…on…."

James tightened his arms around her waist. He brought his hand up to her chin and tipped it up towards his face. She lifted her eyes and met his. "Lily, it's me. You can tell me anything. It's okay."

Lily stared at him, trying to soak up that moment, she and James, so close, him gazing down at her with that look in his eyes. That look that made her feel warm and cold all at once—that gave her the feeling that she was safe at home and yet, at the same time, standing at the edge of a cliff.

He leaned in closer, pulling her face toward his.

"I tried to kill myself," she whispered, just before their lips could touch.

James froze. His eyes grew dark. His hand dropped to his side and he turned away from her. He took two steps away then whirled back around, running his hands through his hair. His face was pained.

"How could you do that to yourself?" he demanded. Lily could see the heavy motion of his chest moving in and out. "How_ could _you?" He turned back around to face the house, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

"James…James, don't be angry," said Lily quietly.

"_Don't be angry?!_" he cried, rounding on her furiously. "How can I not be angry? Do you _realize_ what you almost threw away?"

Lily felt her eyes go wide. She had never imagined that he would be so livid. Slowly, she nodded.

"Tell me, Lily! Do you understand what you could have done?" he yelled. He took a step toward her. She braced herself but didn't flinch. James grabbed her firmly by the shoulders and steered her to the chair. He pushed her into it and knelt in front of her, making Lily feel like a little girl being punished for doing something naughty.

He looked down at her bare feet and placed a hand on each of them. For a moment he didn't speak; he just stared down at her feet. When he finally opened his mouth, his voice was soft. "You almost threw away these," he said, making small circles in her skin with his fingers. Then James slid his hands up over her ankles to her legs, staring at them as though he had never seen anything like them before. "And these." He bent down and laid a kiss on one knee, then the other.

As Lily watched the top of his head, tears rose to her eyes. James looked up from her legs and lifted both of her hands in his. He held them in front of his face. "You could have lost these." Slowly, he kissed the palm of each hand. Lily tried to fight back the lump growing in her throat.

Gently, James put down her hands and inched closer. He wrapped his hands around her waist. "And this." He bent closer and buried his face in her stomach.

Lily dug both her hands into his hair and finally released the sob that she had been struggling to keep in.

"Oh, Lily, how could you?" he murmured.

Lily took a deep breath, trying to steady her breathing.

James lifted his head. He snaked his arms around her back and up to her shoulders, then down her arms. "I don't know what I would do without these," he whispered. His hands slipped back up her arms to her neck. He slid them under her hair and cupped her face, looking her hard in the eyes. "Without _this_."

Lily closed her eyes. The tears that had been swelling on her lids dripped out and onto his hands. "I know, James," she whispered. She took a deep breath. She needed to finish. "I just…thought I had nothing to live for. I wanted to die. I tried…and I was almost gone when…" Lily opened her eyes and gazed straight at him, "when I realized I had you."

James's face relaxed into a pained smile. His eyes were shining.

Lily swallowed and continued. "Then I knew I wanted to live."

"Really?" said James, except that no sound came out when his lips formed around the word.

Lily nodded. "You saved my life."

James shook his head, leaning in and kissing her softly.

When they broke apart, Lily leaned her forehead against his. "I love you, James. You're the only person I ever want to be with. You're the person I want to _live_ my life with, you know?" she said. "That's why I said I wanted to get married. You're my family now. And if that freaks you out, I understand. I just had to say—"

James cut her off with another kiss. "Lily, I have always loved you. No matter how far away you are or how hard I try to get over you, you're all I can think about. So…" he said, a grin suddenly dawning across his face. "You _better_ marry me."

Lily grinned too and wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing him deeply.

James pulled away after a moment, his face serious. "But…you have to promise me you're never going to pull anything like that ever again. Promise me you're going to stay right here."

"I promise," said Lily, holding him tightly.

"Really? You promise to be this Lily that I know—and not the one who wanted to take her life?"

Lily looked at him. She was so happy, she felt as though she could float up into the stars. But she had a feeling he didn't trust her. Slowly, she took his hand and interlaced her fingers with his. "Come here."

She stood up and led him off the porch and onto the beach. The ocean was humming in the dark. The wind lifted her hair but the night was warm. Lily dashed through the sand, her bare feet digging in and kicking it back at James, who rushed after her. A laugh rose from deep inside of her. She let it out into the night air, letting it drift into the sky.

Suddenly James caught her by the waist and swung her around. He was grinning—his whole face full of awe. "You really are back."

He leaned in but Lily giggled and twisted out of his grasp. She ran toward the ocean, letting out a long cry, feeling her blood pump through her veins. She tore off her shirt and tossed it into the sand.

James laughed. "What are you doing?"

Lily turned and smiled at him. She was too happy. She couldn't stay in one spot.

Looking back at the water, she unclipped her bra. "Are you coming, Potter?"

He didn't need telling twice. In a flash, James was at her side, his shirt gone and his bare chest heaving in excitement.

Lily unbuttoned her shorts and slid them off. "Are you ready?" she asked.

James looked at her, the wind shaking his already messy hair. "Of course I'm ready."

Lily took his hand again. "All right then." She tightened her grip and sprinted, head-on, into the waves. They could no longer scare her. She was strong.

They waded in to their waists, fighting the current. She looked at James. "Are you sure you're ready, James?"

James bent his head and put his hand to her cheek. It shook a little. "It's bloody freezing," he said. "But with you, I'm ready for anything."

Lily grinned and raised their clasped hands into the air. They braced and dove, together, through a wave that curved over their heads, tucking them into the sea. On the other side, they popped back up, water spraying from their hair. They both took deep breaths of the cool, salty air.

The wave passed.

Lily had found her peace.

The End.

* * *

**Author's Note: My last addition to this fic. Hope it satisfies everyone. I know it's been over a year since I've posted but I've always been determined to finish them. Thanks for reading!! Thanks to all of the wonderful reviews and favorites, despite the fact that I never update. It means so much. **


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